In a unanimous decision last Friday, a West Virginia Middle School Board officially banned both Darwin’s Origin of Species and Curious George from the school curriculum. Tea Party Candidate Jesus Christman and his wife and first cousin, Mary Christman were major players in the movement to eliminate these sacrilegious books from the school library. The Board decided that Darwin’s Origin of Species made children realize that God really wasn’t magic and didn’t create the universe by snapping his fingers and rubbing his butt. Curious George is almost worse, as how can a monkey ride on a hot air balloon and hold binoculars? When asked if the book was banned partly because of its questionable racist elements, the Board responded, “racism is not a factor when deciding what books are acceptable.” This decision will go into effect on Monday, and all of the library’s copies of these two books will be used as weapons to fight off liberals, reptiles, and estranged miners. To be honest, what else is there to do in this state besides flirt with your brother anyways?
In an interview with Jesus Christman, he stated, “I will not have my 11.5 children reading this garbage. God is beautiful, and that Darwin character was doing too much acid, humping birds, and frolicking with armless English whores when he made up this nonsense. And Curious George? Monkeys can’t do shit!” The Board seemed to agree with all of Christman’s statements and the proposal passed with flying colors. The movement to eliminate these two books began when a sixth grader asked her Sunday School teacher if Jesus Christ was actually a monkey and if Curious George was God’s second son. Apparently this little girl was too curious, as her mother later made a scathing phone call to the school claiming that her daughter was corrupted by both the Devil and Spongebob Squarepants. Judith Landsman, a former nun who had one too many tequila shots one Christman night, claims that she will not let her daughter burn in hell for equating flawless Jesus with a smelly four-legged primate. Landsman is pushing for Origin of Species to be replaced with the new state children’s bestseller, “God, Glenn Beck, and Guns: A Comprehensive Study on who and what should Rule our Country.” This book will be voted on at next week’s meeting, along with strategies of how to kick the token Jew out of town without making it seem like a hate crime.
Parents in this West Virginia suburb (are there even any cities in this state?) are very protective of their children and only want to provide them with a healthy Christian environment to grow up in. And by healthy they mean a place free of violence, abortions gays, and Harry Potter spells. The town censors shows such as Vampire Diaries and 16 and Pregnant, as these shows provide the youth with wrong messages. The town council holds weekly “Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder” seminars, and all teens are required to go to at least two. Again, except for the Jew. Donna Sue Jones, mother of 13 children, believes that raising her children in this type of environment will truly enable them to become successful geese herders. Jones claims that she will “not let [her] children’s minds be corrupted with the immoral, be it terrible books, foolish TV shows, or Ellen DeGeneres.” She is excited for the new ban to be instituted, and believes that her town is one step closer to proving that the Democrats were the ones responsible for the recent Earthquake in Japan. You may be thinking, what does that have to do with Darwin? The answer is, only God really knows.