Twelve Extreme Taxidermies That Prove We're All Going to Hell

One of the worst things about human-kind is self-awareness. Our ability to realize our limitations, whether it be environmental or sexual or whatever, means we’re constantly looking for ways to screw that stuff up. Enter extreme taxidermy, since we’ve all at some point thought “Why can’t I combine my dog with a horse so I can ride him to school everyday?” For most people, that’s a passing thought we have while riding the bus or masturbating or whatever, but for a select few, they’ve decided to do whatever they can to actually achieve this…when they’re dead. Sounds like a semi-cool art project (if nothing about dead, stuffed animals perturbs you), but when you see the final project you suddenly realize why all humans are going to hell. These creatures are horrifying. Which is why I spent hours looking at them online. Here are twelve examples that will prevent you from ever turning lights off in your house again.

***

One bird head would have been scary enough, but two catapults it into a whole other level of deranged. It’s like “Stuck on You” for demon fetishists. At least this makes killing two birds with one stone a lot easier, as long as your “stone” is a metal stake.

It’s about time bird feeders went extinct.

At first glance, this one isn’t too terrifying. It just looks like a skunk got its head stuck in a drain. But upon closer inspection, you pick up on smaller details: the hooves, the stalking pose, and its eyes. Dear god, those eyes. They’re staring right at you through the computer screen. You now have one week before it crawls out of the internet and lays eggs in your belly button. Don’t worry, when the larva begin nourishing themselves on your intestinal tracts, you’ll fit into your pants better than you ever have.

The long neck gives it easier access to your carotid artery, in case you were wondering. Otherwise, this is your run-of-the-mill innocence raping.

This is actually adorable, unit you realize it’s clutching a bone in its spindly, raven claws. Where did that bone come from, Mr. Rabbit-Bird? Your mother? A herd of cattle? The family next door? I guess we’ll never know, you mischievous little fiend.

This one feels like the artist made a challenge for himself: take something cute and something not cute, then put them together to make something truly awful. The angry glare and blood-soaked teeth make it a top contender for the next horror franchise. Imagine a group of attractive, 20-somethings trying to outrun a swarm of soul-hungry Crabmunks. Wouldn’t you see that movie? I’m even more excited for the sequels, “Crabmunk 2: Flesh out of Water” and “Crabmunk 4: Carpe Demon.”

Finally, somebody made a sculpture of my spirit animal.

I was under the impression that extreme taxidermy is an indirect way for humans to childishly spite God, like the way I used to knock over my younger brother’s block towers just to watch him cry. So when I see this photo, I become angry, because the last thing we want to do is give him good ideas. There’s no way he doesn’t see this and immediately think “Oh, sweet. Let’s make that happen.” Thank you, unknown combiner of flesh and machine, you’ve now secured an apocalypse filled with cyborg coyotes. I hope you’re happy, unless this idea sounds awesome to you, in which case I hope you die in a way less cool way.

Turtletron, TRANNNSSSFOOOORRRRMMM!

There’s a point with extreme taxidermy when you start to consider evolutionary function. I understand that not every horrible amalgam has to be designed for survival in the real world, but can somebody please explain why this animal has knives for feet? Are there a lot of muggings in the wild? Won’t it have a hard time walking in sand? More importantly, how will I not have nightmares about this abomination? Never has the idea of high-fiving something been so terrifying.

The artist named this one “Capricorn,” as if we needed to start naming our worst fears. I don’t give nicknames to every finger I find in a Big Mac. The name is telling, though, because this monster was definitely made to be a companion. Not that it can go anywhere, because having a fin, hooves, and wings doesn’t make it all-purpose, it makes it hopelessly stranded. But I think that’s the point. It seems engineered to lay chained in the basement for eternity, slowly dying and making dinner guests wonder where that weird bleating is coming from.