When Jaime Picano and Naomi Shavin first decided to fuse into one super being, the rest of Punch Bowl was against it. We figured, why make the guy-girl ratio on staff any worse than it already was? But once the operation was completed, we knew that the sum of Jaomi Shacano was a more powerful humor sensation than its parts. So we’ll sacrifice a less awkward Punch Bowl formal for the laughs. Plus we have yet to figure out how to undo it….
By guest columnist Jaomi Shacano
Once a year, in the dead of winter, some of the nation’s brightest young men gather to partake in a soul-searching ritual that is steeped in tradition. These young men brave trials and temptations, sleet and snow in pursuit of a higher truth. These men seek brotherhood.
Spring rush challenges men to actively worry about their clothes, what they eat, and who they same-sex flirt with… all at the same time. Some men don’t make it out alive. Hundreds have drowned in the chaos that is Atlantic city. Others have been pulled from their mission by the sweet song of sirens, only to wake up in HUP covered in …Oh thank G-d, it’s chocolate sauce! Whether these men are making a pilgrimage to Pilam, a crusade to Castle or a voyage out to Sea SAE, there’s one rule that no man transgresses. No one talks about Fight Club. They also won’t tell you what goes down in rushing.
In my dedication to uncovering the secrets of fraternity rush, I, Jaomi Shacano, hid in bushes, pretended to be a two-headed freshman, crammed myself into kegs and even dressed as Max, the Fiji dog. I haven’t eaten since Blarney catered ATO. I haven’t had water unless beer has water in it. I haven’t slept since… at all. I have done all this to bring to light these accounts from the rushes themselves.
I present to you…
Overheard at Fraternity Rush:
“The guy I talked to in Kappa Sig had the BEST shoes. No seriously, I just want to be in Kappa Sig so I can borrow his shoes!”
“Are we actually supposed to eat the food they have out for us? I heard no, but at the houses they were totally like, ‘Yeah! Eat this hotdog!’”
“I am SO TORN between Sammy and The Old Sammy!”
“Which house had all the owls? Oh, Chi O!”
“Okay, I ate seven wings, that way they’d know I’m down to wing, but I’m not a fattie.”
“TEP only had Bud Light and Pilam only had PBR. Where can I find good bud AND good Bud?!”
“If I fell asleep on the Phi Delt couch, does that increase or decrease my chances of being a brother?”
“So how many brothers do I have to hook up with to be in Castle?”
“I got invited to Beta’s hotel party… But they didn’t say what hotel.”
“If I do SAE, I totally know who I want my big to be.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard of Phi psi. I’m taking a Phi psi class in Cinema Studies right now!”
“I’m thinking OZ because I freaking love 32 Degrees. They have the best downtowns!”
“Chik fil a at St. A!”
“Where were we last night? Saint A’s or Saint Elmo’s…?”
“You’re going back to Fiji this weekend? I heard it’s so beautiful there! ….Oh. That Fiji…”
“I am so embarrassed! I meant to go to Sig Chi and accidentally went to ATO. They were having some weird themed party… 18 to Wrestle, 21 to Wrestle?”
“I keep trying to say that I’m going to Pike but it autocorrects to ‘puke.’ I’m dropping them. I cannot deal with this for next three years.”
“Dude, I got a bid from Tabard!”
“I have the biggest rush crush on this Beta senior… But he’s going to graduate practically the second I finish pledging…”
“AEPi had strippers last night. It was not kosher.”
“I am SO TORN between ZBT and The Old ZBT!”
“I lost my virginity at Skulls date night! High five me, bro.”
“What does OWLS stand for? Is it french initials for something pretentious?”
“I’m not in a frat. I’m not in a frat. I’m in Zetes.”
“Pi Kapp? More like Bi Kapp!”
“I heard DP pledging is the WORST.”
“Tep… Pro: I’d blaze like everyday. Con: I’d blaze like everyday.”
“Lamda Chi Alpha? Is that a new sorority?”
“I am so frustrated. I can’t find a fraternity that matches my wardrobe!”
“I’m calling the facebook album ‘Atlantic City 2012: We’re on a Bus! LOL!!’”