by guest columnist Justin Starr
Everybody Flings. Bros, hipsters, jocks, even nerds*. But everyone Flings differently. Fortunately, after many laborious hours of stumbling through the quad, I’ve figured it out. I’ve made a guide for determining how someone Flings and the correct way to deal with them based on the clothes that they wear.
*Well, not engineering nerds, but we’ll touch on that later.
Sex/Drug/Mediocre Electronica Artist Inuendo Pinnie – These are your typical fraternity brothers/club members/UA pledgemasters. Likewise, they are the typical fling attendees. They drink heavily in the morning, nap from 6-10 then “rage” at night. Normal Flingers are generally pleasant. Share your flask filled with the backwash remnants of tequila in return for using their RA key to let you into Riepe for a much-needed mid-Fling, kegs-and-eggs-induced dump.
Frat Hat – Sign of a true bro. Overall, these guys are friendly, but communicating with them is difficult. They have the attention span of a mentally retarded housefly and consequently can only converse about a small range of topics: “slam pieces,” “raging,” and “Chipotle.” Often, these guys can be tough to understand, so here’s a list of common phrases and their translations:
“This pinnie is so frat it’s ridiculous” – “I wish I had sleeves, my arms are cold”
“I had like 46 beers yesterday” – “I had like 8 beers yesterday”
“I had like 30 shots last night” – “I had like 8 shots last night”
“See that slam piece over there? I totally fucked her last week” – “See that girl over there? I have no idea who she is, but I find her reasonably attractive.”
“Yo, check out my sweet flow” – “I can’t find a local barber”
Neon Fanny Pack – Sorority girls! Stay away to avoid irreversible eardrum damage – their only method of communication is through loud shrieks of liquor-induced excitement. If you find yourself in between a group of sorority girls and their destination, avoid eye contact, make yourself look as big as possible, and back away with your hands up to show that you have no alcohol for them. If you have any neon clothing, throw it as a distraction, yell “Look, free SweetGreen!” then run.
Shirtless – Do not, for any reason, approach a shirtless Flinger. These people are glow-stick-waving, Molly-taking, sweat-dripping Tiësto fans. Their actions and attitudes are contagious – contagious like a horrible, electronica infection. Symptoms include sexual arousal by neon lights and an insatiable desire for large subwoofers.
American Apparel – These are the hipsters, and they’re too cool for Fling. They wore tanks and neon sunglasses before Ray met Ban. Don’t approach them unless you want to hear all the reasons why Passion Pit was better when they were a high school band playing Mary Had a Little Lamb on tubas in a garage. Hipsters can be found congregated in Stouffer wearing wool caps, listening to Animal Collective on vinyl, and formulating new forms of nonconformity.
Backpack – It’s safe to assume that anyone wearing a backpack in the quad during Fling is either an engineer. The concept of Fling is foreign to them, and it’s unfortunate, but they are simply incapable of learning how to participate. They just aren’t programmed that way. If you’re a kind person, you can help an engineer enjoy the weekend, by spiking their Monster energy drink with vodka, and giving them a problem set. Drunken math is the closest they’ll get to Flinging.