Mr. Smith Goes To Waziristan

Protests against the CIA-run Drone War in Pakistan have grown stronger by the minute after the death of one Todd Smith in Waziristan last week. It was to be a routine drone strike on a bakery – a few months after the Obama Administration redefined militant to be “anyone who handles wheat-based products” – that went awry. A Pakistani family of six was found dead on the scene, but it was the burnt corpse of Mr. Smith, a resident of Bainbridge, Ohio, that has cities all across the United States mobilizing for some of the largest protests in recent memory.

The primary response was to deny any allegations that Mr. Smith – who was on vacation in the area – was in fact a white American. Some scientists hypothesized that the blast could have blanched his once oak-brown skin, but the biopsy revealed such claims to be inaccurate. The CIA called foul until traces of J Crew chinos and a pastel-coloured Lacoste polo proved it beyond a reasonable doubt.

President Obama was quick to issue a statement on the affair. He spoke last night to the country saying, “Our military and intelligence services cannot be killing American citizens overseas in this War on Terror. Except for that Muslim guy in Yemen obviously – that douche had it coming.” Reports say Joe Biden was heard muttering, “Who the fuck vacations in Waziristan anyway.” under his breath.

Meanwhile Speaker of the House, John Boehner spoke at a press conference remarking, “Our hearts go out to the Smith family and we want them to know, we don’t care how long it takes, how hard it will be, we will hunt down whoever did this and we will bring them to justice.” Before Mr. Boehner – who at this point was in tears – could finish his speech, his staffers had quickly escorted him off the stage.

But it is in Mr. Smith’s hometown that many citizens have had to make the startling realization that the word drone does not just refer to male honeybees. “When I heard about the attack on Todd I was shocked,” said Jill Silverstein, a neighbour of the Smith family, “I mean, I know that they’re out there killing a lot of bad folks, but this kind of event really reminds us how precious human life is.” When asked about the hundreds of Pakistani civilians killed prior to Mr. Smith, Ms. Silverstein replied, “Yeah, that kind of sucks doesn’t it?”

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