By Punch Bowl Columnist Evan Spiller
Pauline Friedman Phillips – the original Dear Abby – died two weeks ago, and the New York Times has reported that the nation has descended into moral chaos. To fill the void, and compete with the ethical monopoly that Dan Savage has forged since Phillips’ death, Punch Bowl has hired Shlomo Friedman. He just left his job as a rabbi and Talmudic scholar to teach Media Studies at Drexel:
Dear Rabbi Friedman,
I am a senior in college and a virgin. Should I lower my standards in order to get the first time over with!?
Don’t Want To Graduate Chaste
An important question, and one that was addressed in the Book of Girls, which is a great and holy text. The answer is yes. The great rabbi Maimonides wrote that the guy Shoshannah sleeps with in the season finale is “a doucheuganah – both douche and meshugunah.” But, as numerous scholars have pointed out, how can you not love Shosh? If you so desire, you can follow Shosh’s lead. She is totes adorbs and seems fairly happy moving into the third episode of this season.
Dear Rabbi Friedman,
Is it wrong to sleep with another man when separated, but not divorced, from your spouse if there’s still a possibility of getting back together?
Demi-divorcee Needs To Know
Scholars have mulled over this very uncertainty by examining one of the holiest episodes of Breaking Bad.
Through careful scrutiny and much praise and reverence for the Lord Hashem, scholars have concluded that Skylar is a total bitch! After all, if she had slept with Ted while Walt had cancer, but not reconciled with Walt, it would have been enough. Dayeinu. If she had had slept with Ted and reconciled with Walt but not abandoned her children to run a money laundering business, dayeinu. But, to do all three! She’s worse than Eve! The Talmud has no words for women whose husbands are not meth manufacturers.
Dear Rabbi Friedman,
After only two weeks of friendship, another heterosexual male has asked me to help him move. Is our friendship moving too fast?
Feeling Uncomfortable
Deuteronomy. “G-d said onto Moses, “You’re helping Jethro move! That’s the highest degree of male friendship! What are you going to do next? Start driving him to the airport?!”