The Deep
In one sentence the deep manages to encompass endless knowledge in one inane aphorism. Are you having a bad day? Just find this creature and its wisdom will lure you out of the cavern of despair. Existential angst is no match for its depth
The Essayist
It uses Facebook as a virtual Speaker’s Corner and spouts its philosophies, ideologies or advice in massive, impenetrable blocks of text. No subject is too complicated, no issue too nuanced. Philosophers and scholars have debated questions such as what gives life meaning for centuries, but clearly none of them have met the essayist. You can trust what it says is legitimate because you have to press “See more” in order to read everything it has to offer.
The Redditor
The modern day colonial exploiter, the redditor will ravage Reddit.com of its resources and present them on Facebook as its own to a public too ignorant to know the content’s origins. A select few will feel déjà vu upon seeing a status pillaged from the forests of r/funny at which point one can only moan “The horror! The horror!”.
The Superfluous
The most common of the users, the superfluous lives on the unnecessary scraps of life. Give the superfluous a day with the same number month and day (God help you if it’s the same number month, day, and year) and it will be sure to write the date on its status, often followed by a handful of exclamation marks. Other common sources of sustenance are announcements of well-known sporting events and personal details that absolutely no one cares about.
The Quirk
Can you believe the quirk? It posts about things that no one ever posts about, how could it be so personal and so different! The quirk is a paradoxical user, at once the most original and the most contrived. Its statuses do not adhere to any strict pattern except one rife with hackneyed pop culture references and the sort of funny personal anecdotes that everyone experiences, but only those with a certain level of self-importance share.
The Political
A close relative of the essayist, the political expresses its knowledge of world affairs by posting articles from reputable news sources that happen to always agree with its views. Its posts are often haunted by another subsection, the phantom commenter, a creature that lurks on unsuspecting statuses and proceeds to write long, well-thought out responses to their claims only to say “Fuck it”, erase the comment and continue on with their ghostly existence.
The Obsessor
This one has everything linked up. From his tumblr, to his twitter, to his pinboard, to his chalkboard, everything is connected and everything is pouring onto the newsfeed of thousands of unsuspecting people. The obsessor sees himself as a bastion of progress, using all the new social media technologies available to him. He tweeted even when everyone thought it was useless and has a Klout score that would have you drooling with envy if you gave a shit. It merges the status habits of all the species in a quest for demographic expansion of its “like” base.
The Oversharer
The oversharer never seemed to get the memo on the whole “Facebook is public” thing. Rather it treats the platform like a diary, like the diary you found in the attic that you wish every night you hadn’t opened.
The Victim
This one makes a habit of leaving its laptop in a place where it shouldn’t be and it always pays the price. The source of its statuses is a perennial giant question mark and a constant source of cheap amusement.
The Promoter
A creature of no decency, the promoter shamelessly plugs its own work on its Facebook page in order to garner readers. Its sense of self-worth is so contingent on the approval of others that it must share its mediocre articles with all its friends just to collect a few “likes”. In the kingdom of Facebook, it is the lowest of the low.
