Things You Could Steal from Van Pelt

Ever wondered what you might be able to get past the Van Pelt security guards? Then continue reading freshman guest columnist, Sheida Takmil’s, expose below.

We all know the drill – the obligatory bag check before leaving Van Pelt. But you must’ve noticed by now that the security guards’ definition of a bag check is really just a nonexistent glance in your general direction and a friendzone-worthy “thanks honey.” None of them actually care what you’ve got in that sketchy little bag of yours. So you could hypothetically leave the library with a bag heavier than when you entered, if you know what I mean… (knowledge. Leave with a bag heavy full of knowledge). But seriously, with that in mind… what exactly could we steal from the library without the security guards noticing?

  1. Newspapers
  2. Mousepads
  3. Hummus from Mark’s Cafe
  4. One of those giant books in the display cases
  5. Printer paper
  6. A printer
  7. Carpet
  8. The biggest painting
  9. Plants
  10. An entire set of encyclopedias
  11. The turnstile
  12. Shoelaces
  13. Several couches and an armchair
  14. The “Weigle” part of the Weigle Information Commons sign
  15. A data diner booth
  16. A group study room
  17. A window
  18. A librarian’s lunch
  19. A librarian
  20. Money from other people in the library
  21. A single stair
  22. Every fire extinguisher in the building
  23. A door
  24. One of the workers from Mark’s Cafe
  25. Other people’s ideas
  26. A urinal
  27. Someone’s thunder
  28. The sixth floor
  29. The security guard checking your bag­
  30. Mark’s Cafe
  31. The actual building itself
  32. The Declaration of Independence
  33. Someone else’s identity
  34. The spotlight
  35. My heart

…and maybe a book.

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