Ever wondered what you might be able to get past the Van Pelt security guards? Then continue reading freshman guest columnist, Sheida Takmil’s, expose below.

We all know the drill – the obligatory bag check before leaving Van Pelt. But you must’ve noticed by now that the security guards’ definition of a bag check is really just a nonexistent glance in your general direction and a friendzone-worthy “thanks honey.” None of them actually care what you’ve got in that sketchy little bag of yours. So you could hypothetically leave the library with a bag heavier than when you entered, if you know what I mean… (knowledge. Leave with a bag heavy full of knowledge). But seriously, with that in mind… what exactly could we steal from the library without the security guards noticing?

1. Newspapers
2. Mousepads
3. Hummus from Mark’s Cafe
4. One of those giant books in the display cases
5. Printer paper
6. A printer
7. Carpet
8. The biggest painting
9. Plants
10. An entire set of encyclopedias
11. The turnstile
12. Shoelaces
13. Several couches and an armchair
14. The “Weigle” part of the Weigle Information Commons sign
15. A data diner booth
16. A group study room
17. A window
18. A librarian’s lunch
19. A librarian
20. Money from other people in the library
21. A single stair
22. Every fire extinguisher in the building
23. A door
24. One of the workers from Mark’s Cafe
25. Other people’s ideas
26. A urinal
27. Someone’s thunder
28. The sixth floor
29. The security guard checking your bag­
30. Mark’s Cafe
31. The actual building itself
32. The Declaration of Independence
33. Someone else’s identity
34. The spotlight
35. My heart

…and maybe a book.