Valentine’s Day Poems and Neurotic Eroticisms

Can you feel it? All that love in the air? Can someone get some Febreze in here ASAP? Whether you’re spending today with your significant other/friends/Netflix/insignificant other/pizza delivery guy, it’s always good to be prepared with poetry. Check out these poems from all of us here at The Punch Bowl, guaranteed to set the mood on this special day.*

*If the mood includes getting slapped in the face. If you’re into that sort of thing. We aren’t judging.

Happy Valentine's Day from The Punch Bowl!
Happy Valentine’s Day from The Punch Bowl!


Roses are flowers,

Spruce and Pine are trees.

Last night, we had sex

And now you have herpes.


I love you more than a little loves her big;

More than Kanye loves Kanye;

More than pre-meds love talking about being pre-med;

More than vegans love talking about being vegan;

More than Val Ross loves says/does outlines;

More than Amy Gutmann loves paying the energy bill for a house she doesn’t live in;

More than people handing out the DP love actually having someone take the paper from them;

More than Dean Furda loves making 25,000 applicants cry;

More than Econ majors love talking about how to fix global crises;

More than Drake loves his ex;

More than a teenage boy loves Incognito Mode;

More than I love making wild comparisons in hopes of getting laid.


To my greatest loves of all,

Lift me high before the fall,

Burrito, nachos, quesadilla,

On the toilet, diarrhea.


When I saw you on Locust

My breath was taken away

I mustered up courage

To talk to you in some way

But what I discovered

Filled me with dismay

You’re beauty was a sham

Like a poorly performed play

Good lord, now this is awkward…

You were only hot from far away.


Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

I have a lock of your hair,

But I just found it – I swear!


On V-Day I found myself on my own,

With no friendly contacts in my phone.

So I dialed my only friend,

He said he’d be there in ten,

And I ate a heart-shaped pizza alone.


I don’t make nice dinner or buy it,

Every night is full of peace and quiet.

I’m happy like this,

It’s the truth. It is.

But OK Cupid?  I could try it…


I want a girl who works at Goldman,

Or a guy who helps out Bain,

Anyone who will sell their soul,

For my own personal gain.


I’d just like to take the time,

On this special day,

To thank you for all that you’ve done for me.

You provide comfort, peace, and security,

And really your love truly completes me.

So on this day when we embrace one another,

Will you be my Valentine,

My very dearest, significant mother?


Roses are the patriarchy.

Violets are the patriarchy.

Valentines day is the THE PATRIARCHY.

…love me please.


The American flag is red.

The American flag is also blue.

Don’t talk to me for 13 hours,

Frank Underwood’s better than you.


Roses are red,

You want to hug me.

My name’s Robin Thicke.

What rhymes with “hug me?”


I see you everyday,

at the Hemo’s food truck.

I wish I had the nerve to say,

“Let’s get dinner sometime maybe.”


Snowden, will you be my valentine?

Yeah, just meet under the Moscow bridge,

Very good, just stay there, and please don’t mind,

The sweet humming of a nearby drone.


You are the Karl Marx to my Friedrich Engels,

The Plato to my Socrates,

The David Hume to my Immanuel Kant,

So please, can we fuck already?


My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun,

Didn’t you take Survey of the Universe bro?


Poems are awesome.

Poems are sick.

Poetry is hard.

So is my dick.


Hurrah for the red,

hurrah for the blue.

Let’s have sex,

and invite Ben Franklin too.


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