Philadelphia, PA

College Sports pundits have projected Penn leave the post-post season with an astonishingly pessimistic 0-14 record in the Ivy League. Citing poor performance over the last 3 years and a full starting line up hand picked by Head Coach and former player Jerome Allen, lead researchers have predicted the Quakers leave the offseason with the lowest win percentage in D1 basketball. Some have questioned the validity of this projection, given that the statistical likelihood of losing 14 games during a period where it is literally against the rules to hold conference play is slim at best. However most seasoned fans of the League dismiss these criticisms as unfounded, as greater shows of incompetence are common place in Ivy play. Representatives from the University of Pennsylvania Athletics Department have declined to comment on whether emphasizing Center Darien Nelson Henry’s beard further will significantly affect these projections.