Warren Buffett to Pay You $1 Million to Shut the F*ck Up About Tournaments

Successful billionaire and somewhat Penn alum Warren Buffett is threatening to give money away again. Buffett, 84, just announced that he will give $1 million dollars in hard, unmarked cash to anyone that has not caught March Madness. “And I don’t mean just the NCAA tournament, either,” the billionaire continued, “anyone caught filling out a bracket of any kind – be it one full of potato chips, arches, or cookies – will not be receiving any of my hard-earned money.”

People across the country were dismayed at the announcement as every bracket imaginable has already been filled out. Brackets for life choices, puppies, and especially BuzzFeed’s “Beyonce Face Bracket” were immediately dropped from their respective websites. The ESPN, FOX Sports and Yahoo! sites crashed as people attempted delete their fantasy sports accounts. College freshman Joe St. Sochi reported his dismay, “My hall’s buy-in was 50 dollars! You mean, I could have won a million! That’s like… I don’t know… four years’ worth of Chipotle.”

Buffett’s “billionaire” competitor Donald Trump attempted to one-up his competitor by sponsoring a Daily Pennsylvanian bracket challenge. The winner of that challenge will win $500 to a fine Italian restaurant.

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