Punch Bowl Staff

MARK MADNESS SWEET SIXTEEN RESULTS

The results are in for Mark Madness’s Sweet Sixteen round! Make sure to vote in the Elite Eight round HERE!

Mark Ruffalo (1) vs. Mark from work (4): Man, Mark from work, I’m really sorry, but . . . you’re done. No, not just from the tournament, from this office. What, you thought the stipulation that if you lost you’d be fired was “just a joke”? Goddamn it Mark, don’t make this harder than it has to be, just leave, and take your stupid mini stapler with you. Who the fuck needs a mini stapler anyway? So you can carry it around in your pocket? Christ, man . . . get out of my sight. And Mark Ruffalo, you handsome devil, best of luck.

Marksmanship (7) vs. Marcus Aurelius (3): One of the most important philosophical minds in history felled by . . . marksmanship. Is this what we’ve come to? I knew the NRA was funding them but, man, to what degree? I mean, if you put Aurelius’ Meditations next to a very accurate sniper and asked which one you’d rather have in a post-apocalyptic hell scape . . . sure, I’ll take Chris Kyle. Because when a marauding band of droogs comes to beat me to a pulp, knowing that “The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts” isn’t going to mean a damn thing.

Mark Hamill (6) vs. Marketing (7): The force is strong in this one, as Mark Hamill easily slashed through Marketing to advance to the next round. Maybe Marketing should have been changed its 4 P’s to popularity, persistence, passion, and panache to try to edge out the win.

Mark Twain (1) vs. Marc Antony (5): After being edged out by Mark Twain, Marc Antony filed a report claiming that his opponents name is not even “Mark.” The Punch Bowl Rules and Ethics Committee is meeting to discuss future action and sanctions, including the possibility of adding an asterisk to the win.
Markers (1) vs. Mark Wahlberg (4): The kindergardeners have voted, and as they are too young to have seen The Departed, markers beat Wahlberg. We are definitely not in Boston anymore. Anyway, I still love you, Mark Wahlberg.
Markdowns (2) vs. Mark Cuban (6): Markdowns was the clear winner in this match-up, something that benefits the people rather than a billionaire who tanks people’s dreams.

Marco Polo (game) (4) vs. Mark Zuckerberg (1): THE UPSET OF THE TOURNAMENT SO FAR. It was a thoroughly deserved victory, as Mark Zuckerberg just couldn’t cope with the chaotic nature of the game. Marco Polo’s win sets up an unexpected heavyweight bout in the Elite Eight.

Market Street (3) vs. Mark’s Cafe (2): This also constitutes a surprise in my book considering the Penn-vs-Drexel ramifications. It’s like Snapchat all over again (too soon? I’m sorry). And if any entrant can stop a game of children running around while one has their eyes closed, it’s rush hour traffic on Market Street (too dark? I’m not sorry).

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