Penn Student Financial Services has recently issued a word of advice to those who have not been approved for financial aid: “just get hit by a car at a crosswalk.”

In light of Amy Gutmann’s recent contract extension, money formerly allocated to Penn Student Financial Services will be siphoned for the betterment of Gutmann’s “fat stacks.”  The move leaves many of Gutmann’s subservient students penniless and scrambling for funds.

Penn Student Financial Services asks that students follow four simple steps: (1) take a deep breath, (2) file your FAFSA forms in a timely fashion, (3) be patient, and (4) throw yourself in front of a motorist.

“Not, like, in a ‘kill-me’ kind of way,” explains PSFS coordinator Penny Wise.  “Just like a, ‘miss-my-vital-organs-but-still-collect-insurance-money’ kind of way.”  In their statement, PSFS assures Penn students that MERT will not even charge for transporting them to the hospital.

We spoke to Penn student Jay Walker, an experienced insurance-collector who has been hit by 4 cars already and amassed over $20,000 in insurance money.

“I spend a lot of time jumping out in front of cars behind the Inn at Penn,” says Walker.  “I’m looking for that Mercedes money.”

When asked if he was concerned about his personal health, Walker responded, “School costs an arm and a leg anyway.  Why should the university bleed me dry when I can take the bleeding into my own hands?”