Dear World,
We as Americans have had such a busy and exciting 2016! So much has happened! Things we never thought would happen…happened! We wanted to update our friends, adversaries, frenemies, and downright arch nemeses around the world about all of our adventures over the past year, because we know you all care SO much.
Donald (70) was elected President of the United States! Ever since he shrugged and said “eh why not?” 18 months ago, he has worked so hard to rile up half the country and put the fear of God in the other half. He may not have gotten the most votes, but his hard work paid off. The 20% of Americans who actually voted for him are so blindly proud. For most of the year, we all didn’t think this would actually happened. But it happened….bigly (or is it big league?)
Hillary (69) became the first female presidential nominee of a major political party and the first female to win the popular vote. She has been enjoying her hikes in the Chappaqua woods to cope with her painfully devastating defeat of her lifelong dream. You can email her at hrod17@clintonemail.com. Don’t worry, it’s not secure.
Bernie (74) has had a wonderful time with all the youths. They make him feel young and spry again. He also successfully proved that the next generation actually likes socialism. Who knew?! Most days, you can find him around the house muttering to himself about “the top 1% control 90% of the wealth…” or something like that.
Daniel (14) got a new pair of white Vans, and all of sudden he became a meme. We are so proud of how he has shown America that literally anyone make it big time for doing literally nothing. Damn Daniel…
Ken (34) was chosen attend a town hall style debate between Donald J. Trump and Hillary Clinton. Wearing his favorite red sweater, he asked a great question about energy policy and immediately became the one good thing to come from such a bloody election. That is, until we some questionable things from his Reddit history came out. We love(d) you so much, Ken!
Candace (37) brightened up our world too by wearing a Chewbacca mask and giggling about it on Facebook Live. Seriously, you can make it big for doing ANYTHING in 2016…
Becky (25) had a good hair year.
Michelle (30) will STILL not come back and visit the rest of the Tanner family on their resurrected show Fuller House. And everyone else is STILL being annoying about it. But honestly, she made the right choice…
Rory (32) is NOT back!! She’s just visiting Stars Hollow after completely floundering in her career…that’s all! She also wrote a book called Gilmore Girls (we’re working on her originality) and is pregnant! What a busy year for her. We’re really trying to be proud.
The Chicago Cubs (146) won their first World Series in 108 years this year! We could not be prouder of them for finally breaking the Curse of the Billy Goat. For a while, we were sure it was going to be the Cleveland Indians (115) who hadn’t won in 68 years, but the Cubs rallied back from a 3-1 deficit by winning 4 games in a row and winning the last game in the 10th inning. Better luck next time, Cleveland! Or maybe the next 40 times…
For a brief period of time, we all decided we cared about Pokemon again and wanted to spend our time chasing them around town with an app. That got boring real fast.
We also would like to take the time to acknowledge those we have lost along the way this year. America seems to think that it is the year 2016 itself that caused so many of our dear celebrity friends to pass, but we want to let the world know that these people died from irresponsible drug and alcohol habits, disease, and other natural causes. Calendar years don’t kill people. People kill people.
Rest in peace to Muhammad Ali, David Bowie, Prince, Gene Wilder, Alan Thicke, George Michael, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Florence Henderson, John Glenn, and so many more, but most important of all…
Rest in peace to Harambe: a gorilla no one knew or cared about until his life was senselessly ended before his time. Even though it was the only way to save the life of an actual human child, the world will forever miss Harambe and will continue to memorialize him via memes and other Internet activities.
Did you make it all the way through? We know these New Year’s letters are virtually useless now that we have social media to keep everyone updated on our lives in real time, but we still like to take the chance to go over our very important lives with all our friends AGAIN. Thank you for being a part of our lives in 2016. We look forward to more good times in the coming year.
Love,
Confusion