PHILADELPHIA, PA – In what has surely become the biggest plot twist of 2017, local man Brock Lee checked his refrigerator, then his pantry, and then his refrigerator – which contained the same food as it had just sixteen seconds earlier. Authorities are investigating what happened to cause the food inside the refrigerator to stay exactly the same.
The paranormal occurrence happened between the minutes of 4:43 PM and 4:44 PM last Thursday afternoon. Originally, Lee’s refrigerator contained a bag of carrots, an onion, a jar of pickles, a jar of pickled onions, a slightly-sour-but-who’s-to-say jug of milk, a pack of cheese sticks, a single grape, peanut butter (which he didn’t know doesn’t need to be refrigerated), and four soy sauce packets.
Lee recalls that the pantry contained stale cereal and a bag of trail mix with the chocolate and peanuts picked out. But then, when Lee returned to the refrigerator, he noticed something bizarre – the carrots, onion, pickles, pickled onions, milk, cheese, grape, peanut butter, and soy sauce were all still there. Astonishingly, no food more appetizing had materialized.
CNN has released the following timeline, to help readers understand the proceedings of the afternoon:
4:43 PM – Lee opens refrigerator and inspects its contents. He is unsatisfied and closes the refrigerator door.
4:43 PM – Lee opens pantry and inspects its contents. He is unsatisfied and closes the pantry door.
4:44 PM – Lee opens refrigerator and inspects its contents. He is unsatisfied and closes the refrigerator door.
Conspiracy theorists suggest that the event was not a natural incidence, but rather a twisted fabrication based on an unproduced screenplay by M. Night Shyamalan.
We talked to Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson, world-renowned astrophysicist, to clear up the confusion: “Sir Isaac Newton taught us that an object at rest stays at rest until acted upon by an outside force. That means leftover pizza doesn’t just arrive on your table unless something applied a force to bring it there. Unfortunately, what goes on in a refrigerator defies the laws of Newtonian physics, and we may never fully understand the inside of that mystical box. It is the greatest failure of my career.”
We also interviewed Lee himself to gain some insight into the event. “Sometimes, I go to sleep with dishes in the sink, and then I wake up and they’re clean and back in the cabinet,” he said. “I don’t see why food can’t magically appear in my refrigerator.”
“He is literally the worst roommate,” his roommate noted.