Yesterday, I was checking emails on my iPhone while peeing, as one does, when I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet. I freaked out, as one does, and immediately did what any good technology consumer would do when faced with the threat of water damage. I submerged my wet phone in a bowl of dry rice.

After an hour of impulsively grabbing at an empty pocket, I grabbed my phone from the bowl of rice to see if it had worked. It hadn’t. And not only that, but a few grains of rice were lodged in both the headphone jack and the charging port.

To add to this debacle, the rice had absorbed water and had expanded inside the phone, so they were stuck in there.

How perfect is that? How perfect is it that there’s a round hole that’s just big enough for a few grains of rice to get stuck in vertically and a rectangular hole in which rice can get stuck horizontally? This rice thing is a total scam — once your phone gets wet, Apple gets you to lodge uncooked rice inside your phone so you’ll have to pay to get it fixed or replaced. I even called AppleCare, which I paid extra money for, and they don’t cover water damage.

Can’t you see? Apple is trying to make money off of people dropping their phones into toilets. They tell you to submerge it in rice, then they design holes so that rice will get stuck inside the phone, and then they make you replace it with no help from Apple Care. This is one big money making conspiracy, and I, as a consumer, will no longer stand for it.

I hereby demand that Apple find another way for us to fix our phones after we drop them in the toilet that does not involve rice. It seems a little too convenient that the rice get stuck inside the phone so easily.

I’m on to you, Apple, and your hair-brained schemes. I urge the rest of you to sign my petition and join me in standing up for the rights of people who want to use their phones near toilets.