EXCLUSIVE: What the Senate GOP Offered the Holdouts on the ACA Repeal

Now that the Graham-Cassidy-Heller-Johnson health care bill designed to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act has officially been defeated, the public now has access to the letters sent to the holdout Republican Senators and the offers made to them in exchange for their ‘yes’ votes.

To: Senator Lisa Murkowski (R-AK)

Look, we literally forget Alaska is a state sometimes. It’s really far away from everything else and there’s barely anyone up there. We cannot for the life of us figure out why you insist on doing this to us. But okay, here it goes.

We will grant an extra $50 million dollars in bear repellent to be sprayed over the state via plane like that orange stuff in Vietnam. It’ll clear them all out so you can ‘drill, baby, drill.’ Also, how do you really feel about Sarah Palin? We can’t really tell, but we’ll do whatever you want with her. Do you want her to be re-installed as governor? We’ll do it. Do you want her banished from your state forever? We’ll do it. Whatever you want. Also, after saying all that stuff we said earlier, we remembered how supportive Alaska is of the GOP, and we appreciate it. We want to offer you the ability to switch places with California. We’ll put you on prime Pacific real estate and move all those Hollywood commies up north. What do you say? Will you PLEASE repeal Obamacare?


Warmest regards (or not lol cause it’s Alaska),

Senate Republicans

To Senator Susan Collins (R-ME)

Okay, why is it these small northern states that are giving us a problem? Alright, well, let’s see here…we can turn all your lighthouses solid gold if you’d like. Maine has lighthouses, right? Also lobsters. We can make sure President Trump only eats Maine lobsters every meal for the rest of his term. We can have you absorb Vermont and New Hampshire so you could run against and beat Bernie Sanders. Also Senator Collins, we will give you one night with Marco Rubio. One. Night. Whatever. You. Want. We’re not kidding. If it means getting rid of health care for millions of Americans, you can bet he’s down. You don’t want Rubio? Fine. Tom Cotton. Yeah, we said it. Hell, if you help us repeal Obamacare, you can have them both. What do you say? Will you PLEASE repeal Obamacare?



Senate Republicans

To Senator John McCain (R-AZ)

John. Come on John. It’s us! Your buddies, Lindsey, Bill, Dean, and Ron. You can’t be serious about this, right? Right???? Well, we’re prepared to give you your dying wish. Whatever that might be. Do you want Arizona to become the 5th largest state by area? Fine. We’ll give you part of New Mexico. They’re a bunch of lefties anyway. Do you want to be President for a day? We can make sure that happens. I’m sure President Trump would love some more time on the golf course. You can rename the new one McCaincare if you want. Stick it to Obama for 2008. Whatever you want. What do you say? Will you PLEASE repeal Obamacare?



Your bestest friends <3

To Senator Rand Paul (R-KY)

Really. Are you kidding us right now? Not even worth it.

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