Sunday, 2:00 PM

Typical Penn Girl 1 (likely named Melissa): Hey, girl! I haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s grab lunch or something. I would love to catch up and tell you about my life!

Typical Penn Girl 2 (likely named Stephanie): OMG, yes. Ugh, I miss you so much. It’s crazy how long it’s been. When are you free?

“Melissa”: OMG ummm. Let’s see. This week I have OCR then I have to go shopping for some groceries. I need to study for some case interviews and I’m trying to teach myself how to code. Ugh, I also have class until, like, midnight every day and my one prof is such a ho with the homework. It’s ridiculous. So, IDK when we can get together, but we’ll make it work!

“Stephanie”: Hahahaha a homework ho. I love it. You’re so funny. Yeah, I’m super busy too. I got like three hours of sleep last night.

“Melissa”: Ugh, three hours! You’re so lucky. I slept for one and a half hours. It’s like I don’t have time to sleep anymore LOL.

“Stephanie”: Oh, no totally. I barely slept when I was asleep. I was trying to figure out how to do my Math 240 work when I was in bed. You’re so lucky you study English, you totally have more free time than me. Hey, have you published anything yet?

“Melissa”: Lol. Did you develop any new software yet?

“Stephanie”: Lol.

 

Wednesday, 12:30 PM

“Stephanie”: Hey! Did you still want to get lunch sometime?

“Melissa”: OMG! Yes! I miss you, I swear. But, I’m doing this new thing where I don’t eat real meals anymore because I don’t have time! Oh, and I’m trying to lose weight. Thriving at Penn you know? I just drink, like, three bottles of Soylent and call it a day.

“Stephanie”: OMG yes. Food is so overrated. I ate three almonds today when I was running in between meetings. I probably wouldn’t have time to get lunch anyway.

“Melissa”: Ugh, I know. I’m working on like three projects rn. Also, have you ever noticed how men are trash?

“Stephanie”: OMG YES! You know what you should do? Just stop thinking of people in terms of like humanity, or individuals. Just regard all beings as part of the ecosystem

“Melissa”: Dude yes. The other day, I realized that time is just a comforting lie we tell ourselves about how the universe works… We all just exist in some weird universe soup.

“Stephanie”: Yooo wait, so how are we gonna get lunch if time isn’t real?

“Melissa”: IDK, but I really want to see you!

“Melissa”: …wait is that why Amy Gutmann looks so much better now? Does she defy time?

“Stephanie”: I feel like she has a task force that makes us think she looks good.

“Melissa”: It can’t be a task force because we do think she looks good, and that would mean a task force was actually doing something!

 

Thursday, 3:00 AM

“Stephanie”: OMG I AM SO DRUNK RIGHT NOW. IT’S CRAZY. I MISS YOU! I HOPE WE CAN GET LUNCH SOON.

 

Thursday, 4:30 AM

“Stephanie”: OMG YO. I JUST REALIZED THAT WE’RE LIKE SUCH A PENN STEREOTYPE WITH THIS! I JUST SAW LIKE THREE POSTS IN THE MEME GROUP THAT REMINDED ME OF THIS CONVERSATION. FORGET LUNCH! LET’S DO COKE!

 

Friday, 3:00 PM

“Melissa”: Ugh! Yes. I’m just so busy. I barely have time to breathe anymore. Yesterday, I started doing this thing where I like take big gasping breaths for 15 minutes and then I seriously don’t have to breathe for three hours. It’s incredible how much time you save! I prefer Adderall to coke also. You should try it sometime!

“Stephanie”: Ugh, wow. That sounds so cool. I want to do that! Lol I just like really want to see you. Can we like sleep together or something LOL.

“Melissa”: LOL. I know you’re kidding, but I really can’t. I’m sleeping with four or five men right now.

“Stephanie”: At the same time? OMG! You’re crazy.

“Melissa”: No, no. I sleep with them in rotation. I switch it up.

“Stephanie”: Oh, ok! Yeah that makes sense. I’m sleeping with like six men right now. I hope one of them ends up working at Goldman. They take up way too much time otherwise.

“Melissa”: LOL Networking 101. I hope one of my friends ends up successful. Then I’d know that all of those lunch dates were like FOR SOMETHING you know?

“Stephanie”: Yeah. Oh right, we should get lunch.

 

Sunday, 10:00 AM

“Melissa”: Hey! So I checked my calendar because I still definitely want to see you. It’s been way too long! I have like a 20-minute slot free on Wednesday two months from now.

“Stephanie”: OMG yes! I think that lines up with my schedule, but I only have fifteen minutes free. Is that ok?

“Melissa”: Yeah. OFC. Wow I’m so excited to see you!

“Stephanie”: Me too! It’ll be great.

 

Wednesday, Two Months Later

“Stephanie”: Hey, sorry! I have to cancel lunch. Something came up at the last minute. I’m just SO BUSY. I only got four hours of sleep last night.

“Melissa”: Oh! That’s totally ok. I only got three hours! I hope I get to see you around!