Penn Changes Mascot to Canada Goose

In a surprise announcement on Monday evening, the Office of the President released a statement announcing the institution of a new Penn mascot: the Canada Goose.

“We wanted to update Penn’s athletics program to reflect more contemporary themes in student life,” explained University President Amy Gutmann. “So we made the decision to retire the Fighting Quaker in favor of Gustav the Goose.”

Confusingly, the details of the mascot’s physical appearance and characteristics have yet to be released. Gutmann declined to describe the Goose’s new look, instead erupting into fervent screams of “HONK!! HONK!! HONK!!” Some speculate that the mascot will be a human-sized goose costume, while others question whether the new figure will even resemble an animal.

“I think it’s gonna be a coyote, ‘cause they use coyote fur to make Canada Goose jackets,” offered College sophomore Nick Sproles. “And maybe the coyote will be wearing a Canada Goose jacket? No, that’d be too messed up.”

Other student theories include the idea that the mascot will be a Junior girl who will lead the Franklin Field and Palestra audiences in new cheers of “Fight Geese Fight!” and “They’re really good jackets!” as well as a massive quilt composed of Canada Goose patches collected from jackets left around campus.

Discussing the recent news, Penn students have largely expressed their approval for the move. “At least we don’t have to deal with the Quaker mascot anymore,” explained Sproles, “that guy was creepy.”

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