In what has been considered a huge win for the left at the University of Pennsylvania, bananas have been made illegal to possess, sell, or transport anywhere on campus. According to a statement released by the University, the otherwise-popular fruits are “simply too visually similar to a fire*rm to be allowed to threaten the safety and well-being of our students.” The school has instituted a buyback program for the bananas, intending to use the yellow fruits to make an enormous amount of banana bread; this is, of course, the last time for the foreseeable future that the dessert will be permitted. This move has been met with controversy, especially by potassium-underrepresented students.

However, the decision is not without its supporters. One politically active student extolled Amy Gutmann’s decision: “This is just one step forward in making sure all Americans live in a country free from guns… well other than the police and the government… but I guess it’s also important to remember that the police are racist, and our government is run by fascists… but regardless they should be the only ones with guns. What was I talking about? Yeah.”

Other threatening objects and actions have come under the scrutiny of the Penn Administration for symbolic advocation of gun violence. These include the letter “L”, people with long feet, and saying the words “Trigger warning” without first providing a trigger warning for the word “Trigger”.