Ever since the beginning of the school year, R.A., Frank Stein, has been planning a haunted house event for Halloween in the Quad.

 

“Halloween is an especially important holiday to me,” Stein explained. “What other time of the year are Satanic rituals socially acceptable?”  Stein continued: “I wanted to go all out, so the House Dean allocated a hefty sum of money for me to plan this event, which I’m calling ‘The Halloween Haunted House Hype-fest Hullabaloo.’  However, one could say that the dilapidated state of the Quad is kind of a blessing in poorly-constructed disguise. My job has literally been done for me!”

 

Stein provided us with the inside scoop on how he managed to keep the cost of The Halloween Haunted House Hype-fest Hullabaloo so low.

 

Haunted House Checklist:

Smoke/fog machine: With the prevalent mold issue, students will already have watering eyes and experience bouts of coughing. Also 5 out of every 3 students own a Juulpod (statistics provided by the Office of the Provost).

Fake spiders: Who needs fake spiders when you already have real, live cockroaches and mice?

Sound effects: The blood curdling screams of freshmen who find out their midterm scores.

Dust and cobwebs: What kind of person vacuums and dusts their room? How do you work a vacuum, anyways?

Wall decorations: What’s there to decorate when the walls and ceilings are falling apart?

Puddles of water: The bathrooms. Need I say more?

Source of terror: You go to Penn! (Also, the everlasting fear that your ceiling is going to collapse from water damage.)

 

**Update: Stein has spent the entirety of his event budget on his “Penn student” costume, AKA a Canada Goose Jacket.