Why You Need a Boyfriend and Not Just a Swell Bottle

It’s winter. You’re cold. Those are facts. You’re lonely. You’re in denial. Those are observations, but also facts. You know that you’re lonely because you woke up the other morning spooning your economically conscious, sustainable, $50 Swell bottle. You told yourself that the shape, stiffness, and cost of your favorite Swell bottle was enough to fill the hole in your heart. It’s okay to admit that to yourself… this is the internet, where vulnerable people go to hide behind keyboards. I wish that your Swell bottle could satisfy your emotional needs and not just your need to keep beverages hot or cold for hours at a time, but it will never spoon you back. Hell, I wish my Swell was enough for me, but it’s just not. And while it is a symbol of a disposable (but environmentally conscious!) income, it will never buy you things nor bring you more wealth. It’s not sentient. It’s also not mysterious.  It will never lead you on. It will never control you. It won’t keep you up at night when you have to spend hours and hours deciphering texts it put no thought into at all*. It’s an easy and uncomplicated solution to your bigger problem, the only solution for your problem is a boyfriend.

A boyfriend will buy you coffee, if you venmo him five dollars and text him obsessively until he remembers. A Swell bottle will simply keep your coffee warm.  Sure, you have to get up ten/fifteen minutes earlier to make the coffee to store in your Swell, but it will take you at least an hour to muster the courage to obsessively text Braeden to buy your drink, and then you’ll get to spend your day worrying about whether or not some man who doesn’t know how to do laundry thinks you’re crazy. You also have the opportunity to be dependent on someone else for your coffee if you ditch the Swell. Why get coffee when you want it when you can be surprised by Braeden’s timing?

A boyfriend will keep you sexually frustrated for longer periods of time than any inanimate object. Sexual frustration is the key to being more aggressive at work. You won’t get that promotion if you are a simply satisfied employee.

A boyfriend will keep you up at night so you don’t have to waste time sleeping. What does he really mean when he says “Hey are you free?” A Swell bottle will hold chamomile tea. Chamomile tea will make you drowsy. You will sleep. Sleepy women rarely make history.

A boyfriend will keep you warm. He has extra sweatshirts and is somehow immune to cold. He has blankets, and all of your blankets have mysteriously disappeared, and you also don’t have a coat. A Swell bottle will only keep your beverages warm. You’re lying to yourself if you think 20 ounces of hot coffee is enough to protect you from the arctic temperatures haunting January. Your arachnophobic boyfriend will do the trick.

A boyfriend will keep you safe. Yes, the same boyfriend who is afraid of spiders will somehow protect you against intruders and rapists and murderers. I mean, c’mon, he was the best yellow belt in the karate class he took in fifth grade. Sure, you could use your Swell bottle to whack someone over the head, but that’s nothing compared to your boyfriend’s snazzy foot work and his hands chop-chop-chopping at the air.

Ladies, it’s winter. You’re desperate. Get a boyfriend. Ditch the Swell. Your independence and fancy water bottle aren’t impressing anyone. You need a man. A real life, scrawny, confusing, warm body to occupy your free time and keep you safe.


*Please seek immediate help if you or a loved one thinks your Swell bottle is sentient.

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