University officials have confirmed development plans for indoor ice skating rinks in each of campus’ three high rise residential buildings. The plans were announced with a surprise unveiling of a prototype rink in the lobby of Harrison College House Monday evening. When questioned by Punch Bowl reporters Tuesday morning, one university official stated, “The ice-skating rinks are just one of many new projects we have planned to make residential living at Penn even more fantastic and totally worth the cost.” Before listing what these upcoming projects might be, she slipped on a patch of ice and had to be MERTed.

However, further investigation calls the official explanation of the temporary lobby ice rink into question. One security guard bundled up in four or five jackets told us, “This isn’t a ****-ing ice rink. How stupid are you? The sprinkler pipe burst because this place is a ****hole. I just saw a rat skate across that patch of ice over there. Get your head out of your ***, you dumb *****. ”

Obviously no one can be entirely sure what happened in Harrison Lobby Monday evening, but going forward, we at Punch Bowl have received an unconfirmed tip that the ice rink may be replaced shortly with a swimming pool.