Move over mouth herpes. Not today mono. With recent confirmation from student health that a Penn undergraduate has been diagnosed with this viral infection, it’s mumps’s time to shine. Having already infected over 100 students at Temple (aka all the cool kids with friends), the disease can be spread via saliva which means, you guessed it, everyone is going to have mumps here after fling assuming patient zero is DTF, or at least down to share a solo cup of Franzia at a pre-game.

Now a drunken fling hookup carries an even bigger risk than regret and awkward eye contact on Locust. Before all you had to do was wrap the dick in a free condom from your RA who you’ve only met once and pray that your partner doesn’t have hand-foot-mouth-disease, but now you should probably ask them to provide an official copy of their vaccination history. Mo’ mumps = no humps. 

While we could use this as an excuse to have a relevant and timely discussion on the importance of vaccinations, it’s much more fun to focus on confirming which of your peers come from anti-vaxxer parents. My personal bet is on my friend Starlyte who’s perpetually on a sugar detox unless its in pot brownies. Her mom incorrectly responds to too many viral puzzles on Facebook to not be a hard core anti-vaxxer. This fling, bring your own spiked kombucha, Starlyte.

Source: https://www.thedp.com/article/2019/03/mumps-penn-temple-disease-contagious-off-campus