The ACTUAL Truth about the Compass

Have you ever wondered about the myth of the Compass on Locust Walk? This legend has petrified many young students throughout their first year of college, and many still refuse to walk on it, even as sophomores.

However, something about it just doesn’t line up. Why would standing on a bunch of Penn branded stones cause you to fail your midterms? As someone who accidentally stepped on the Compass two weeks into freshman year and did in fact fail my first midterm, I can assure you they were unrelated. It was definitely my shitty MATH-104 professor’s fault and NOT due to the compass nor my complete disregard for class material and studying. 

A team of Punchbowl’s sneakiest unpaid interns were sent to the scene for further investigation of this phenomenon. The lone survivor managed to bring us the brutal truth behind the compass. It is far more alarming and far more dangerous than just failing a midterm or as some way for frat bros to sift out freshman girls.

According to our one remaining intern, stepping on any portion of the compass, including tripping over the little dip with the missing stone, summons the most feared and vile of campus creatures. It’s even worse than those vicious squirrels that hide in trash cans and jump out at you.

The moment the poor victim applies pressure to the buried and forgotten bricks of ancient Locust Walk, he/she/it provokes a dark and dangerous creature that dwells within the confines the Compass. The creature will then seek out its source of provocation and will not stop until it locks eyes with its victim, who fails to sneak by. The victim suddenly finds themself accosted and frozen in place as the creature approaches, carrying a weapon resembling a thick cylindrical club.   As the weapon approaches the victim, the poor trapped souls hear the dreaded, terror-striking words:

“Copy of the DP?”

And by then, it’s too late…

One comment

  1. Oh, no problem.

    As a geologist, I have hoards of the useless garbage that you idiots believe are magic, and can therefore help you.

    Just make sure to ask before Sundays as that’s typically when I throw out garbage bags full of the rose quartz, amathyst, citrine, smokey quartz, rutilated quartz displaying chatoyancy, or asterisk, etc, etc, etc… that you all pay tens of thousands of dollars for.

    Just make sure to catch me before Sunday, as I tend to throw all of this garbage out, to the dump, on Sundays.

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