Philadelphia, PA- Tragedy struck this week when local amateur comedy writer Grant Pavol could not come up with a compelling concept for a satirical article. Pavol, 19, attempted to write something humorous to meet his standard bimonthly column deadline for the University of Pennsylvania comedy publication The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl, but found the task more daunting than he first perceived.

“I figured I could churn something out Tuesday afternoon, but I’m having a pretty hard time,” Pavol said when reached for comment outside his 1:30 PM class in Fisher-Bennett, “I’ve just had a pretty busy week honestly, you know, between midterms and essays…I kinda let this deadline slip through the cracks.”

When asked about what he intends to submit, Pavol seemed anxious: “I don’t know…I’ve gone through my notes and scrapped many ideas but nothing is really coming to me,” replied a sweaty, visibly fidgeting Pavol. “Maybe I’ll just give up and write that article about the Eagles sucking….oh wait they won this week. Hm….uh………….get back to me,” Pavol quipped before bursting into tears and dashing towards the restroom, presumably to pull himself together. When he emerged a few minutes later, Pavol was more composed, but still appeared shaken.

“I just don’t know what I’m going to do,” he murmured, biting his quivering lower lip. Pavol’s nervousness is justified; The Punch Bowl is a prestigious and widely respected publication with strict rules and stern, demanding editors. Failure to meet a deadline could result in disaster for not only him personally, but the publication as a whole.

“I don’t want to let anyone down…..Fuck…… FUCK. What will my parents say?? Oh GOD……everyone is counting on me!!!!!!” sobbed a crestfallen Pavol before sulking towards his next class, ENGL 303: Anecdotal Writing in the Third Person. For all of our sakes, let’s just hope against hope that he makes his deadline and meets The Punch Bowl’s stringent standards.