Callie Sorren (E’23) was pretending to mouth the words to “Bohemian Rhapsody” at a Beta Sigma party when suddenly, across the dance floor, she locked eyes with a cute boy.

Ethan [insert literally any last name] (W’22) made his way over to her. How exciting! “YO, WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” he screamed, directly into her ear. “It was off to such a good start,” Callie recounted to the Punch Bowl.

Ethan invited Callie upstairs to hang with “his boys” who had the “actually good alc.” After introducing “Carrie” to “his boys,” they sat around on a gross couch, shooting the shit. Someone brought up the upcoming election.

“Oh yeah, aren’t there like two chicks running for president?” Ethan asked, ever so eloquently. He added, “I mean I love ladies and all, but have they not learned from the last election? I’m not afraid to say what everyone is thinking: it’s a bad idea to have a girl president. It’s just like, the way it is, you know?”

Disappointed but not surprised, Callie stood up, sighed, informed Ethan that there were in fact five women running for president, and left. “How shocking,” she told the Punch Bowl as she rolled her eyes, “yet another Ethan doesn’t respect women.”