Op-Ed: I Identify As A Cool Ranch Dorito

The year is 2083. Gender no longer exists. We all identify as different flavors of Doritos. I am cool ranch and this is my story.

The liberals won. In an age where people associate with a range of identities, beginning with the attack helicopter movement of the late 2010’s, this was the obvious next step which any intelligent, conservative, Redditor could see coming. With a variety of new options, the government was forced to abolish the standard procedure of male and female in 2064 and replaced it with flavors of Doritos in an attempt to make life simple again.

Now when you are applying to college, you have to choose how you identify and must decide between flavors. I cannot decide between cool ranch or spicy jalapeno. On certain days I have more attitude than others, but sometimes I can also be chill. I decide I am a cool ranch Dorito. I am now among the popular groups and don’t know how to approach it. I try to represent myself well, but I have never been seen in such a light. How do I do this? How do I change my lifestyle and fulfill my cultural expectations to be the perfect combination of chip and dip? Most of my friends are the classic nacho cheese, but I have never been like them. I have always been different. Normal is overrated. 


I identify as a cool ranch Dorito and I am proud.

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