PHILADELPHIA- Chad Johnson (C’22), a newly inducted member of Alpha Sigma Sigma, had an epiphany while drunkenly “fertilizing” a bush in front of his frat house at 2 A.M.

In his inebriated haze, he came up with a 100% guaranteed precautionary measure to avoid Coronavirus.

Johnson explains, “Dude, it was sooo obvious. It’s literally in the name! Now, I’ll just stick with my Natty Lite for a while. I can’t believe nobody else has figured it out, but I’ll definitely message my bros in the group chat.”

He continued, “I dunno, but I never really pegged the Chinese as Corona drinkers.”