New Report Predicts Transportation Trends Coming To Campus

You’re walking on Locust, eyes glued to your phone, Air Pods blocking out all the noise, totally isolated from the world around you. Then it happens. A gust of wind almost knocks you down and you raise your head only to see a flash of black with red trim. You blink and then, just as soon as it arrived… it’s gone. I am of course talking about the latest personal transportation device to overtake Penn’s campus: the electric scooter.

Two years ago it was the blue razor scooters with the over sized wheels. Last year it was the electric skateboards (which are still trying to hang on). And now the electric scooter. It seems that a new machine designed to get your lazy ass to DRL faster so you can sleep an extra five minutes is destined to appear each year. We at the Punch Bowl spent the past three weeks examining past trends, creating algorithms, and testing products to determine the next mode of transportation to part crowds on Locust Walk like Moses and the Red Sea. Here are the potential candidates:


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The Rip Stick


  • It’s a lot of fun
  • Will make you look super athletic


  • Really hard
  • High falling rate
  • Likely to only impress 7 year-olds


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  • Easy to transport
  • Childhood nostalgia
  • Seamless transition from wheels to walking


  • Will disintegrate your knees
  • You’ll look stupid


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  • Trends often cycle back, this one is no exception
  • Will be able to see over crowd on locust to easily spot who to avoid eye contact with
  • Will give you the classy look you’ve always been going for


  • Just look at the fucking thing


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Endor Speeder Bike from Star Wars


  • Fast as fuck
  • Can obliterate your enemies
  • Can be used to defeat the Empire


  • Doesn’t exist


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DeLorean Time Machine


  • Doesn’t matter what time you leave because you will always be on time
  • Sleek 1980’s look
  • Can also fly


  • Flux capacitors are pretty hard to find
  • DeLoreans weren’t even in style when they were invented
  • Requires you to wear puffy orange vest unironically


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