After a widespread outbreak of “elect-ile dysfunction,” MSNBC, Fox, and CNN have hired a dominatrix to spearhead the rest of their presidential election coverage.

The networks chose Goddess Politica, who has been a professional dominatrix for 15 years. Politica’s previous experience includes forcing clients to vote for their least favorite candidates and inventing the technique of broadcasting an empty podium for ten minutes before a live event.

“My job is to keep the American people on the edge,” Politica said. “I want them anticipating the electoral climax again and again with no satisfaction.”

Politica tortures her 160 million submissives through humiliation, starting with the implementation of MSNBC’s Kornacki Cam. She also ordered all major news networks to make breaking announcements (complete with sound effects) each time a race remains “Too Early to Call,” ensuring that subs will moan with shame after prematurely lunging toward their televisions.

“The networks are using a lot of restraint,” said Rucker Charleston*, a Fox News host who requested a pseudonym for this article. “We want to pull the plug, but our hands are tied.”