“I swear I can get it up,” said an anonymous Trump campaign staffer, referring to the President’s polling numbers. The staffer grew increasingly irate when our Punch Bowl reporter pointed out that he did not have the polls to be making such a bold promise.

“We have the biggest polls! Yuuuge polls! Polls of steel! We’re going to kick the Democrats in the polls, where it hurts most. They have blue polls, they’re going to shrivel anyway. ”

As the nation approaches the climax of this long, long election, voters are facing a new disease that has spread across the country : ELECTile Dysfunction. 

Even though Republicans remain confident that they can sustain the bulk of their electorate, they are intent on caucus-blocking a significant number of voters.

When we first interviewed this Trump staffer back in September, he was confident that there were already enough people registered to vote, declaring: “Nobody else needs to come!”

“What about women?” asked our reporter.

“If women come, they will come for us. We didn’t just court them, we Supreme Courted them— that’s what it takes to please women. We would know, of course.”

Luckily for the women of Pennsylvania, the GOP demanded that our state to show extra consideration for safe voting by ensuring that not a single ballot could go naked. As they say, “No glove, no gov.” 

However, things have already gone South. Lindsay Graham diverged from this better-safe-than-sorry mentality when Jaime Harrison asked him to get a COVID-19 test before an in-person debate.

“Carolina, you’ve known me for this long and you still don’t trust me? Why would I need to get tested? It was bad enough when you insisted on the plexiglass last time. We didn’t even need protection! Don’t you trust me to pull out if it gets too risky?”

Off the record, Graham mumbled: “the test tickles.”

We can’t get too complacent either. Trump is dissatisfied that Philadelphia will not allow his poll watchers to enter the booths. According to his experience, elections are supposed to be difficult, (especially for liberal snowflakes) and only get hard enough when people are watching. 

Alas, we’ll just have to wait and see if Trump’s victory will be as large as he claims, or if the Democrats will prove to be much stiffer competition than expected. Until then, expect Establishment Republicans to keep yearning for the classist antiquity of BCE – Big Cheney Energy.