Did you know that student athletes at Penn can get a COVID test any day of the week they want?

That’s right. ANY day. They don’t have assigned days like you normie students.

“Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better to be a student athlete at Penn, I find out that I can go spit in a tube in a giant white tent any day I please,” said Derek Trevors (W’23) of the Men’s Basketball team.

“Sure, athletes at other division one schools get priority class scheduling, free performance meals, and aren’t looked at with contempt by professors and fellow students. But I can give my saliva away on a Monday OR a Tuesday,” said Michelle Greenberg (C’21) of the women’s tennis team.

Naturally, this has stirred up some negative feelings among the general student body, as they question the fairness of this system.

“Why should athletes get special treatment? It’s not like they work any harder than me?” says Karen Walters (E’22) of Bloomers (she insisted we include her “team” to make it fair).

Regardless, people like Karen aren’t dampening the spirits of people like Eric Glossman (C ’22) of the sprint football team.

“As a member of the only Penn team to win a national championship-“

Sorry, to cut you off Eric, but I was just informed that sprint football is in fact, not a true varsity sport. Let’s see what Jamie Alec (W’21) of the Softball team has to say instead.

“It makes it all worth it now, you know?  The four years of writing papers on buses on the way back from games, keeping my blue Powerade water bottles out of sight from professors, and exhausting myself mentally, physically and sexually has finally paid off, all because I’m not restricted by the Penn Cares scheduling system. In fact, I’m going to get tested right now!”