Ten Things I Would Rather Experience than Watch Mitch McConnell Speak

Since… well, I guess since I learned how to read, I’ve maintained a baseline level of rage thanks to Kentucky senator and real-life reptile, Addison Mitch McConnell Jr. Most recently, my rage spiked because of the speech he gave on Saturday night, minutes after the end of the second impeachment trial for former President (and frequent topic during my therapy sessions) Donald Trump. During the speech, McConnell directly blamed Trump for last month’s violent insurrection at the Capitol. In McConnell’s own words, “There is no question — none — that President Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of the day.” He even used the word “terrorism” in describing the actions of the violent mob. He also added that Trump screamed “wild myths” about election fraud into the “largest megaphone on planet earth.”

I’m no speechwriter, but “responsible for the provocation of illegal activity” seems like an unnecessarily wordy way to say guilty.

McConnell found Trump guilty right? Wrong.

He voted against impeachment charges, because according to his reading of the Constitution, senators ought not convict a former president… despite the fact that he was impeached while he was a sitting president.

At this point, mocking Mitch McConnell might be low-hanging fruit, much like his jowls. Too bad. I present (just) ten things I would rather experience than watching McConnell speak:

  1. Literal nails on a chalkboard.
  2. Watching the tooth-pulling scene from Marathon Man and/or The Americans on loop.
  3. Ask if a professor is going to collect the homework and thus ensure every classmate hates me.
  4. Lie down on the floor of a frat house.
  5. Watch an all-male stand-up comedy show.
  6. Name my son Addison.
  7. Eat every meal with someone who scrapes their fork on their teeth.
  8. Clean hair out of a different shower drain everyday.
  9. Actually follow up with someone after they say, “we should grab coffee sometime!”
  10. Golf. Play or watch.

I could certainly go on. If Trump, as McConnell claims, owned the “largest megaphone on planet earth,” it was the hypocrite-to-end-all-hypocrites, Mitch McConnell, who spent four years holding down the “speak” button for him. I’m ending this article before I start listing the ten expletives I would use to address the Senate minority leader.

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