REPORT: Masochists Prefer Two-Injection Vaccines

(Visual by Isabella Schlact)

A new poll from The Daily Pennsylvanian finds that 90% of campus masochists prefer vaccines that require two injections. This data comes after Johnson & Johnson’s single dose vaccine was approved for emergency use authorization by the FDA.

The majority of campus masochists prefer the two-injection vaccines offered by Moderna and Pfizer-BioNTech.
(Visual by Isabella Schlact)

Two thirds of respondents preferring two-injection shots like Moderna in particular, due to its added bonus of an arm rash at the injection site. The two percent of masochists preferring Johnson & Johnson selected every option on the survey.

Self-proclaimed masochist Harrison Harnwell C’22 wants all of the vaccines injected at the same time. 

“Some people say, ‘Hit me with your best shot,’” he tells The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl. “I say, ‘Hit me with all of your shots.’”

Gregory Lauder W’21 reports craving the humiliation of never receiving a vaccine. However, since he’s a self-identifying submissive, his dominatrix may force him to get immunized.

Provost Wendell Pritchett says he isn’t concerned about masochism being used to motivate students to take the vaccine.

“We’ll do whatever it takes to get everybody vaccinated,” Pritchett says. “I mean, if our students didn’t like agony, then they wouldn’t go to UPain.”

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