Punch Bowl Mining Crew Discovers the Ruins of Gourmet Grocer

Hidden in the depths below 1920 Commons, Punch Bowl’s own mining crew (a role delegated to those who can’t get their articles in on time) cracked into what they hoped would be an emerald-holding geode. To their surprise and disgust, they found they had stumbled upon the cave that was once Gourmet Grocer. It had long since been buried beneath the earth as society moved on and built Commons on top of it. 

Gourmet Grocer, or G2 as absolutely no one calls it, was once the tiniest and onliest grocery store that accepted dining dollars on campus. Known for their “late night” meals, where one swipe could get you a box of dining hall leftovers, this store has long since been forgotten. 

Punch Bowl’s team of miners were forced immediately back to work in another area. Our archeologists however, braved the ruins in hopes of discovering what this store once sold. Beyond its wall of infinite gatorade bottles and many shelves of hipster cereal, our archeologists found that Gourmet Grocer did actually sell a few things that people might want to buy. For example, deep in the depths of overpriced vegan foods, in a small corner hidden behind the “sushi” shelf, is a freezer containing Ben & Jerry’s ice cream that was once purchasable with dining dollars. Actual food! And food that someone would intentionally desire to purchase! 

This discovery was baffling. To know they had food besides the 3-day-old dining hall cake and stale whole wheat cheez-its was a discovery enough. Intrigued, the crew continued on. They discovered other strange artifacts that lead to many speculations and wild theories. Did these stacks of umbrellas belong to someone, or could you actually buy one here? And what of this strange signage indicating that you could purchase the game Clue for $15.99? Some speculated that these were placed as wards to keep away spirits. Others thought they were simply refuse left behind by looters, previously exploring the cave. No one suspected the store might actually sell these things. 

Our excavation is still ongoing but we have discovered a remarkable variety of items that were once sold here. The store’s stock ranged from toilet paper to instant oatmeal to electric razors. Our archeologists will continue to dig, but are already worried they have awoken an ancient and vengeful spirit. 

Should this be the case, who knows what fate awaits the remnants of Penn’s campus… 

Who knows…

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