Dear Philadelphia Parking Authority,
Who are you again? Asking because we’ve never formally met. I’ve only had you creep from the shadows and slowly start to chip away at my life. I realized that you might not be the best influence on my life when you wouldn’t chill the fuck out about the fact that my car inspection was expired, which I find odd, because that shouldn’t be related to parking. You also almost gave me a panic attack when I got down to the city at 7 a.m. to find my car missing after being a good citizen by not driving home after too much to drink. And THEN, you only gave me extremely complex clues as to where it was towed to, like I was non-consentingly in a hangover escape room in Hell. So, let’s just say we’ve got some beef.
After a quick search, I found that you’re a private company, and that’s when it started to click–pun intended. On Instagram (the real Google), I saw you only have 856 followers. (LAME!) I’m shocked! Don’t you have really ~aesthetic pics~ of you guys ballin’ out on the dime of every human being that enters Philly with a car?
website
I checked out your website, and immediately wanted to punch it in the face.
(Photoshop by Isabella Schlact)
Calling yourself “accredited” is basically saying, “I have money, and it comes from your pockets.” Very frat boy of you! But the cherry on top is that you added, “with distinction.” It is basically screaming “I’m pretentious” more than the aforementioned frat boy wearing two overlapped Ralph Lauren polos with the collars flipped up. You’re actually exceeding the frat boy stereotype more than Alpha Chi Ro. Whew.
Just the top menu bar of your website boils my blood – but I guess you’re into that, huh? Boiling everyone’s blood? Does that help with the blood sacrifice rituals you guys do every night that keeps Philly citizens from finding all your home addresses and burning them down?
Onto the menu bar. You have a tab for airports (LOVE that you guys control that too), garages (Can we ever get away from you?) and taxis and limos. (Ohhh, you’re legitimately trying to take over the entire transportation system. Next up, SEPTA!)
(Photoshop by Isabella Schlact)
My favorite question on the FAQ page is “What rights do I have?” Huh, I was unaware that private companies can directly affect my rights.
Don’t get me started on the Philadelphia Parking Authority auctions. You actually steal people’s cars if they don’t have the opportunity or money to go pick up their car in what you deem the right timeframe, and then you SELL IT WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION for stupid cheap, probably to other assholes. (Only other assholes would buy any shit from you.)
Oh, and how could I forget your cute little red-light-right-turn cameras too! Because at 2 a.m., when no other cars are around, turning right on red should cost my weekly food budget.
Yelp
You guys don’t seem like the type to care for Yelp reviews, so I thought I’d share some of my favorite quotes from your page:
“No stars if I could. The people that work here must have nothing else to live for. It’s weird and sad.”
“They are about as smart as gingivitis and as attractive as soap scum with the hairs still in it. They make the DMV look like speed demons!”
A So-Called “Blog”
Last but not least… I was excited to see that you have a blog, figuring it would give me a ton of material to work with here. Alas, it was boring as fuck. Bragging about occasional parking discounts for events, telling us that the COVID delays are finished so now everyone has to pay, and interviews with people from the “Meter Department.” LAME-O! Maybe start a YouTube channel where you can stop pretending you’re not garbage people. Maybe people love watching garbage people! Get yourselves some likes and subscribes!
(Photoshop by Isabella Schlact)
Alright guys, look, I gotta wrap this up before I give myself an ulcer. Let me just say that you know that OF COURSE I’m all about safe driving. I know there’s only so much parking space in the city, and I know you guys probably have a lot on your plates with running Hell and all. I just beg of you to please pull back a little bit. We never really invited you to this party in the first place, and you’ve overstayed your welcome. Maybe try a cool party trick like, I don’t know, giving warnings first and/or not aggressively screwing over people who are just trying to get by? Or maybe just go back to Hell and really make it yours down there. I don’t know. Think about it.