It can’t be true. How could Forbes do this to us? We’re down to a pathetic ninth ranking of colleges nationwide? To make ourselves feel better as we cry into our reusable dining hall containers, our staff has drafted an official list of 31 30 reasons for this catastrophe:

1. What do you mean? Penn is still number 1 and has always been number 1…
2. Forbes thought we were a state school.
3. Our dining hall waffle irons still don’t have the Penn logo.
4. We took Megan Thee Stallion’s advice: “From the top, make it drop…”
5. Our mascot isn’t the Penn Penguin. Or, wait–the Pennguin! Come on, it’s so obvious!
6. Trump lost (thank God though).
7. MIT is ranked 6th, so we had to be 9th make it a perfect 69. Nice.
8. Elon Musk dressed as Wario in that SNL sketch we’ve been trying to repress, and Penn’s ranking plummeted faster than the value of DogeCoin.
9. We only boosted Canada Goose jacket sales by 9%.
10. Too many virgins here.
11. Not enough virgins here?
12. The Ware College House Mascot is a FURRY and EVERYONE knows it. Can’t believe it took Forbes this long to find out.
13. The FroGro rats left campus to infiltrate Princeton’s eating clubs.
14. Our Quaker mascot was too hot for the Forbes review board to handle.
15. Ben Franklin has been revealed to be submissive and breedable…wait, isn’t this a plus?
16. Dr. Gutmann couldn’t fulfill her Penn language requirement after failing Intro to German.
17. We name-drop Harvard and Yale in OUR. OWN. FREAKING. FIGHT. SONG. What kind of beta school move is that?
18. The campus squirrels have taken over all Wharton offices.
19. The Forbes rankings are berries and cream, and we are just little lads trying to do our little lad dance to no avail.
20. BERRIES AND CREAM BERRIES AND CREAM WE ARE LITTLE LADS WHO LOVE BERRIES AND CREEEAM!
21. While we’re on the subject, Penn Dining’s berries and cream will give you food poisoning.
22. We don’t have enough viral Tik Toks to our name.
23. It has been too long since John Legend released a song to make people cry.
24. Amy G is leaving, so the Punch Bowl won’t have anything to write about anymore.
25. Our bribery to Forbes took a budget cut.
26. We’re just gonna blame the guy outside one of our staffers’ houses, who, at 1AM, started chanting: “[address redacted]! Frats! Frats! Frats!”
27. Too many unused condoms clogged the dorm drains.
28. Amy Gutmann didn’t get a pay raise from her $2.9 million pay compensation.
29. Investigators found that Penn students might have…been cheating in their online exams? Sounds fake but…😳
30. There is no God. Maybe believing in God was the mistake.
31. Jared Kushner. That’s it. That’s the reason.

But hey, at least we still rank above Brown, Cornell, and Dartmouth. We take what we can get.