Every year, BIO 102 students complete a lab where they must urinate successfully four times into a cup and submit these samples to the professors. Since the Punch Bowl is full of straight shooters, we did some digging into how these urine samples have been used. If the DP does “investigative” “journalism,” how hard could it be?

1. PASSING DRUG TESTS

Using fake samples to slip past drug testing authorities is the oldest trick in the book. Penn takes advantage of it to protect the reputation of its athletes and its Wharton students. We’re honestly not really sure what they’re worried about. After all, everyone’s watched Wolf of Wall Street.

2. PREGNANCY EXPERIMENTS

According to a confidential source named Catherine Norton C’24, biology faculty are using the urine to estimate the proportion of college students that are pregnant at any given time. The researchers could be marking their territory on the wrong tree though: they failed to consider that most Biology majors are virgins.

3. SACRIFICE FOR BEN

It’s no secret that Benjamin Franklin, discoverer and patron saint of Penn, had a piss fetish. To appease St. Franklin and ensure the continued financial prosperity of the University, faculty have been draining students of their bodily fluids and their mental health.

4. DINING HALL FOOD

In order to achieve the sustainability goals of the University, the dining halls have started finding new ways to reduce water consumption. Honestly, you can’t really taste the difference.

Now that you know the truth, it’s time to resist. The next time you take BIO 102 and the professors request you pee in a cup, DO NOT DO IT.