Thanksgiving Haikus – 2021

Each year, our staff continues our time-honored tradition of Thanksgiving haikus. This year’s favorites are below.

That one dude who knows

too much about World War II

calls it Tanksgiving

Jake Gyllenhaal’s name 

Took up most of this haiku

I’ll still roast him though 

Plates of corn and pie

Jake Gyllenhaal on my mind

I hate him so much

Christmas is coming

But we still need to suffer

Through mom’s bad turkey

Brace yourselves for war

And the unending march of

Mariah Carey

The turducken bakes.

A symbol of man’s hubris

Even Jesus weeps

Apple or pumpkin?

Let’s not get into debates.

All pie is a joy.

Let’s do friends-giving

Cranberry sauce, potatoes

And Commons turkey 

Going to DC

But I procrastinated

Tickets are sixty 

Thanksgiving turkey

Is giving Taylor Swift’s vibes

“Mom the meat is red” 

I would like to thank

the Academy for my

endless midterm slog

November weather

Frozen air, splatters of rain

Climate change, come now

Weather is dropping

So are my pants, and my grades

And my will to live

Holidays are here!

Halloween, Christmas, New Years.

Did I miss anything?

I give thanks to you

For existing, for living

For ad revenue

Christmastime draws near.

Turn off the radio! Off!

Coldplay only from here.

Turkey? Potatoes?

Stuffing? Dressing? Pumpkin pie?

Again? Not this year, please.

No Nut November

Has taken its toll. Might lose…

Aunt Beth’s looking fine.

Looking around the

table, just to realize that

I’m the gay cousin.

She’s the gay cousin

I’m also the gay cousin 

Kiss? Oh wait we can’t 

Check the calendar…

Another Thanksgivukkah?

Latkes with turkey.

Jake Gyllenhaal bathes

But only once biweekly

Shame this dirty man

Something’s in my food?

What’s in the mashed potatoes…

It’s grandma’s dentures.

History lesson 

The pilgrims got BBLs

Next to Plymouth Rock 

Turkey and gravy 

Cousin’s back from the navy

He did some war crimes

It is getting cold

All I see on Locust is

Just Canada Goose

Why Canada Goose?

Why not American Duck?

Maybe Chinese Swan?

The turkey is burnt.

And the potatoes are, too.

Let’s get Chinese food.

Your racist uncle

Will talk about Qanon

While eating turkey

Macy’s day parade

Forty-one people were crushed

By a SpongeBob float 

Four days off from class.

But an essay due on Monday.

Welp, back to work then.

Kentucky is weird

And Jason is a baddie.

On Thanksgiving day.

Jay from Big Mouth had

The right idea fucking

That sexxxxyyy turkey 👀

Thanksgiving haikus

Try to do but hard to do

Brain very empty

Cold November Rain

Actually lasts forever

Guns N’ Roses lied

What if you wanted

To go home on Thanksgiving

But Penn said, “Red Pass”?

Hey, can you spot me?

I just spent a paycheck on

Pumpkin spice lattes.

​​Socrates defined

Man as featherless bipeds

But: Canada Goose?

Kids at the table

Keep talking about Jake Paul

Am I getting old?

All Jakes are cancelled

Gyllenhaal, Paul, and that one

dude from Love Island

“Please pass the stuffing”

“Stuffing deez nuts in your mouth”

“Grandma don’t do this” 

Chef Boyardee meal

Chef Boyardeez nuts tasty

I miss home cooked food 

​​My family would

give Sigmund Freud a field day.

A new case study.

My sister gatekeeps

the entire gravy boat.

Ugh, what a girlboss

Black Friday, best day,

Influencers’ time to shine,

Might afford food. 

All the bad bitches

Have to come from Kentucky

Example: Jason

Pecan pie dessert 

But isn’t it November?

Challenge accepted 

I punched a woman 

During Walmart Black Friday

For sweatshop made jorts 




Candace Flynn Fletcher

I will wait for her until

Next St. Patrick’s Day.

Hey hot girls, we have 

Problems too. We’re just like you

Except we’re hotter.

It’s Friday, Friday

Rebecca Black Friday, wow


Celebrating what?

Murder? White supremacy?


You Belong With Me

Taylor Swift’s only good song.

Better dead than Red.

Gyllenhaal’s Red Scare

Valid McCarthyism

Authorized witch hunt

Let’s gooooooo, I am pumped

This will be the best year yet

Source: just trust me bro

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