Each year, our staff continues our time-honored tradition of Thanksgiving haikus. This year’s favorites are below.
That one dude who knows
too much about World War II
calls it Tanksgiving
Jake Gyllenhaal’s name
Took up most of this haiku
I’ll still roast him though
Plates of corn and pie
Jake Gyllenhaal on my mind
I hate him so much
Christmas is coming
But we still need to suffer
Through mom’s bad turkey
Brace yourselves for war
And the unending march of
Mariah Carey
The turducken bakes.
A symbol of man’s hubris
Even Jesus weeps
Apple or pumpkin?
Let’s not get into debates.
All pie is a joy.
Let’s do friends-giving
Cranberry sauce, potatoes
And Commons turkey
Going to DC
But I procrastinated
Tickets are sixty
Thanksgiving turkey
Is giving Taylor Swift’s vibes
“Mom the meat is red”
I would like to thank
the Academy for my
endless midterm slog
November weather
Frozen air, splatters of rain
Climate change, come now
Weather is dropping
So are my pants, and my grades
And my will to live
Holidays are here!
Halloween, Christmas, New Years.
Did I miss anything?
I give thanks to you
For existing, for living
For ad revenue
Christmastime draws near.
Turn off the radio! Off!
Coldplay only from here.
Turkey? Potatoes?
Stuffing? Dressing? Pumpkin pie?
Again? Not this year, please.
No Nut November
Has taken its toll. Might lose…
Aunt Beth’s looking fine.
Looking around the
table, just to realize that
I’m the gay cousin.
She’s the gay cousin
I’m also the gay cousin
Kiss? Oh wait we can’t
Check the calendar…
Another Thanksgivukkah?
Latkes with turkey.
Jake Gyllenhaal bathes
But only once biweekly
Shame this dirty man
Something’s in my food?
What’s in the mashed potatoes…
It’s grandma’s dentures.
History lesson
The pilgrims got BBLs
Next to Plymouth Rock
Turkey and gravy
Cousin’s back from the navy
He did some war crimes
It is getting cold
All I see on Locust is
Just Canada Goose
Why Canada Goose?
Why not American Duck?
Maybe Chinese Swan?
The turkey is burnt.
And the potatoes are, too.
Let’s get Chinese food.
Your racist uncle
Will talk about Qanon
While eating turkey
Macy’s day parade
Forty-one people were crushed
By a SpongeBob float
Four days off from class.
But an essay due on Monday.
Welp, back to work then.
Kentucky is weird
And Jason is a baddie.
On Thanksgiving day.
Jay from Big Mouth had
The right idea fucking
That sexxxxyyy turkey 👀
Thanksgiving haikus
Try to do but hard to do
Brain very empty
Cold November Rain
Actually lasts forever
Guns N’ Roses lied
What if you wanted
To go home on Thanksgiving
But Penn said, “Red Pass”?
Hey, can you spot me?
I just spent a paycheck on
Pumpkin spice lattes.
Socrates defined
Man as featherless bipeds
But: Canada Goose?
Kids at the table
Keep talking about Jake Paul
Am I getting old?
All Jakes are cancelled
Gyllenhaal, Paul, and that one
dude from Love Island
“Please pass the stuffing”
“Stuffing deez nuts in your mouth”
“Grandma don’t do this”
Chef Boyardee meal
Chef Boyardeez nuts tasty
I miss home cooked food
My family would
give Sigmund Freud a field day.
A new case study.
My sister gatekeeps
the entire gravy boat.
Ugh, what a girlboss
Black Friday, best day,
Influencers’ time to shine,
Might afford food.
All the bad bitches
Have to come from Kentucky
Example: Jason
Pecan pie dessert
But isn’t it November?
Challenge accepted
I punched a woman
During Walmart Black Friday
For sweatshop made jorts
HTBTW
ILYXOXO
IYKYK
Candace Flynn Fletcher
I will wait for her until
Next St. Patrick’s Day.
Hey hot girls, we have
Problems too. We’re just like you
Except we’re hotter.
It’s Friday, Friday
Rebecca Black Friday, wow
Consumerism
Celebrating what?
Murder? White supremacy?
Capitalism?
You Belong With Me
Taylor Swift’s only good song.
Better dead than Red.
Gyllenhaal’s Red Scare
Valid McCarthyism
Authorized witch hunt
Let’s gooooooo, I am pumped
This will be the best year yet
Source: just trust me bro