We’re so close to the finish line. It’s the finals countdown.
We’re all tired and worn out, but it’s finally here: the World Cup Final. After getting over the heartbreak of Morocco’s loss to France, we get to see Messi and Mbappé go
head to head foot to foot in Qatar. However, as much as I enjoy seeing football actually being played with feet, I think Messi and Mbappé could serve a more important role: writing my finals.
- Guaranteed extensions.
My entire college career has depended on asking for unreasonably large extensions for essays I could have probably finished on the day they were assigned. I’m sure that if Mbappé rolled in front of my professor (while clutching a knee), he would be able to secure extra injury time to finish my essays.
- They both play as forwards.
You hear that? They are For Words. While I’m sure the midfielders would be fine for doing midterms, in the end you need the forwards to secure the finals.
- High chances of passing.
Messi has an 85% pass completion rate, Mbappé has 84%. The odds of them passing Introduction to Geology look extremely high.
- Get my group project members to fall in line.
I can’t even get my group project members to write their names on the PowerPoint, while Messi and Mbappé are out there coordinating teamwork on an international stage. Maybe if they did my finals instead of me, my group project members might even add a bullet point or two.
- Renowned dribbling skills.
Isn’t that what essay-writing is all about? Dribbling on a page. If these players can dribble across the whole Lusail Stadium field, I’m sure they should be able to dribble all over my blank Google Docs page.
As someone who mostly relies on the Chicago style of citation, it’s crucial that whoever does my finals knows how to footnote correctly. Messi and Mbappé are the world’s top footballers (along with Ronaldo, who belongs at Penn), I don’t see why they would have any trouble with footnoting.
- Can stay motivated, even after messing up on seemingly easy assignments.
In the group stage, Argentina lost to Saudi Arabia, and France lost to Tunisia. That’s like getting anything less than full points on the first Canvas discussion post of the semester (that just asks you to summarize the readings and pretend you care about what your classmates think). But it’s okay as long as you keep going and get to the finals! In the wise words of Shakira (World Cup 2010), “if you fall— get up.”