by Andrew Piskai
Punch Bowl Readers,
Please be advised that, despite the recent progress with the three undergraduate students infected with meningococcal meningitis infections and the graduate student who contracted measles, we as a Penn community are not yet out of danger. Student Health Services has just issued warnings on a series of various other afflictions that have recently become prevalent on campus. Please consult the following list of maladies to ensure you have none of the symptoms. If you exhibit symptoms of any one or more of these illnesses, please seek immediate professional medical assistance at Student Health Services located on the second floor of 3535 Market Street. A special clinic will be open tomorrow between from 12-4 PM and Wednesday from 8 AM to 12 PM to offer treatment advice, preventative measures, and another pain in the ass thing for you to do tomorrow.
It has come to our attention that yellow fever is one of the many diseases Penn students still have to worry about. Students no longer will date jappy1 bitches and are instead eagerly chasing after Japanese bitches. Strictly speaking, yellow fever is defined as “the satiation sensation resulting from the inflammation of the part of the brain that adores creations of the Asian persuasion.” Rhyming aside, yellow fever is a serious problem that can be prevented by limiting exposure to Chinatown, fortune cookies, and families with one child. Note, however, that yellow fever is not related to the reddening of the face rosasia (alternately spelled rosacea).
Another alarming condition whose recent presence is inexplicable is verbal diarrhea which you may know better by the common names “potty mouth syndrome” or “foot-in-mouth disease.” If you, or anyone you know, have had a case where something unexpected and unwanted exits the body creating an awkward and often uncomfortable situation, you may have this terribly debilitating and terribly funny condition. For example, you’re talking to that girl named Becky you like from your Management-100 class before you pop the question: “So what are those? Like B cups?” As quickly and painfully as a heart attack, your chance of getting Becky in bed with you has just taken a shot worse than any nurse could give you (be her a slutty nurse or otherwise). The sultry Becky now likes you less than Pants-Up-To-Nipples-Robert—– the acne-clad Jersey lad with THE wortht lithp you’ve ever heard. Though there is no known permanent cure, remedies to control the symptoms of verbal diarrhea are available when it is caught early enough. Heed the warning signs and get help immediately if “shits and giggles” ever turns suddenly into “shits while giggles” because you may have foot-in-mouth disease.
There are two location-specific diseases to watch out for as well. The first is a particularly deadly strain of West Philly Virus which is most often contracted from visits to poor, underdeveloped places2. Symptoms include irrationality, refusal to cooperate, mumbled or slurred speech, a sudden and acute affinity for rap music, and frequent, violent urges to stab or shoot. Despite this, many cases report unusual increases in dancing ability, general athleticism, and the amount of ass they get. Wait, this is a disease? Never mind, this could work. Moving on, there have been multiple cases of the rabies virus that, if untreated, will kill your sorry ass. Rabies is transmitted by the bites of carriers. Carriers can be any animal, but the two most common ones are squirrels and the homeless. Both are prevalent both on and off our campus, and both are especially hostile when chased or threatened. Do not under any circumstances try to lure them closer to you with food.
Reports have also come in of cases of RSFS, or Right Said Fred Syndrome. The symptoms of Right Said Fred Syndrome include, but are not limited to, the following: obtaining an obscure accent, being too sexy for your hat, being too sexy for your shirt, or just generally being so sexy it hurts. Finally, Student Health Services would also like to caution students about the very real threat of mumps. Mumps is not a joke, nor is it a laughing matter, nor is it a goof. Mump-infected students, affectionately referred to as mumpies, often experience a shit-show of seriously severe symptoms. For the most prevalent type (the Shel Silverstein strand) early warning signs include a gash, a rash, and purple bumps. The most devastating effect of mumps is its rapid, detrimental influence on one’s health; as one mumpy described to Student Health, “shit gets real, real fast.” Indeed it does, son. Indeed it does.
Stay vigilant and healthy,
A.T. Piskai, Student Health Advocate
2i.e. west of 42nd Street