Holiday Guide

by Matt Fox

Hey gang, Matt Fox again! You know what? It’s that time of year. You started hooking up with that girl or guy from that class, MySpace page, or methadone clinic, and suddenly you realize that now you’re obligated to buy them a gift for the holidays. And so, I find it is my duty as a nurse and as a cheap, cheap man to help ensure your sexual health and financial stability, so that you can get laid this holiday season without getting fucked by American Express.

Make her a mix CD. Nothing better hides the stench of poorly prioritized frugality and passive vanity than the sweet tonal waft of a Mix CD. Requiring only a fifty-cent CD-R, a stolen iTunes collection, and a sense of musical superiority, a Mix CD is a great way to benevolently and cheaply tell her you think you have better taste. A word of advice: the best approach to making a mix is to compile a list of songs you like by groups you love, ideally songs that you’d be okay with never listening to again when you break up.

Give him underwear. This affordable option is a bold insinuation of the play he’ll be getting completely and obscures the subtle statement you’re making about his capacity for improved hygiene. Another angle on this is to give him lingerie. Once the briefly awkward moment ends after he realizes the lingerie is actually for you to wear for him, it’ll be totally hot.

Prepare her dinner. Requiring minimal investment or preparation, dinner demands surprisingly little skill and yields exponential sex appeal on behalf of the gift-giver. Honestly, so long as you are wearing a “kiss the cook” or equally adorable idiomatic apron, you’re going to be making out before the Hamburger Helper is finished sautéing anyway. If you can cook, make sure to burn at least a side dish; for some reason women think it’s cute when you’re a little culinarilistically incompetent.

Get him a book. Children’s books always do well on the “ascending-pitched aww” scale, but giving a novel always successfully suggests you’re more than just a dumb fuck (pun intended, thanks). Interested in enhancing the sentimentality while cutting costs? Give him an old book of yours, one that you can leave a cute note in and would one day love to angrily demand back from him when you break up.

This should be enough to get the groundwork laid for what will surely be a romantically fruitful and fiscally responsible holiday season, and I’m glad I could offer some insight and inspiration to your gift-giving plans. Just be sure to think of me…right before you climax.


Matt Fox

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