by Rish Chaudhuri

Every Friday, the Punch Bowl allows any member of its staff to submit a column for the website. This Friday, Rish Chaudhuri basically wrote the screenplay for a Twilight Zone: Rap Edition episode.

Imagine a world in which there were no swear words, no violence, everyone spoke English properly, and we were all caught up in the wonderfully blissful innocence of the past. What would this magical world be like? Below is a sample of hit rap songs in this parallel universe.

A Female Dog Is A Female Dog – African Americans With Attitude
Making Love To You at Night time – Biggie Smalls
Female Dogs Are Not Excrement – John of A Slight Build
Making Love To The Organisation That Upholds Justice In Society – Cube Of Frozen Water
It is Nothing Except for a G thing – Dre, the Medical Professional

Artists such as Snoopy Canine, Nathaniel Canine, and Dre, the Medical Professional have enlightened the masses about the T.H.U.G (the holy and unparalleled god) life, and how this God encourages drug usage and promiscuity. The rap culture in this world places an inordinate amount of emphasis on the animal world, in particular female dogs. Additional focus is given to methyl (1R,2R,3S,5S)-3- (benzoyloxy)-8-methyl-8-azabicyclo[3.2.1] octane-2-carboxylate (crack), prostitutes, and sports players. Rappers hang around in groups of 15, and usually ride around in tricycles, altering the suspension so that their tricycles appear to bounce whilst they move.

To settle turf wars, rival gangs have pastry making competitions that are judged by Michelin Star chefs, and the winners get the desired turf. In the legendary East Coast vs. West coast battle, a grand cook-off was held, much akin to the Iron Chef television program. The competition was heightened, as now pastries were not the only category that was to be judged, but also a segment in frying, especially poultry. It was an intense affair that inevitably proved to be fatal, as Tupac Shakur and Notorious Big were instantly killed when a large batter of boiling oil spilt on them, liquefying them instantly. Such monstruous acts had never been known before. In present day pop culture, that fateful day is forever remembered as “Carnage in the Kitchen”.

Nowadays, things have simmered down, apart from the odd injury sustained from getting hit by a flying piece of Black Forest cake. Yet all is not well in Rapland, as many artists are accused of keeping it imaginary, not real. The rappers of today do not remember the impoverished background that they came from, instead choosing to spend all their money on Star Trek memorabilia, alongside the usual alcoholic beverages, loose women and of course tricycles.

But in response to these criticisms, the rappers respond, “Do not hate sports players. Hate the unreasonable norms that society has imposed on us which makes this farcical world we live seem like some sort of game…..female dog”.