By Punch Bowl junior, Julia Hurley.
PHILADELPHIA – Early Wednesday morning, the police apprehended four females, two males, and one sexually ambiguous lynx attempting to escape Stouffer College House from a second-story dorm room. The arrests followed a thorough joint investigation by the Penn Police and the CIA, who have reportedly been monitoring the site for months. Wednesday marked the first action taken by authorities against Stouffer’s notorious, yet elusive, prostitution ring.
“We’ve known for a long time about Stouffer’s sordid underworld,” Deputy Sheriff Purgin commented, “but we haven’t been able to nail anyone until now. I think we can all agree that this is a landmark move on the part of the Penn Police.”
The four female students, all freshmen, were discovered by the police gathered the first male’s room, watching a highly explicit episode of the well-known pornographic series, Sex and the City. The second male, who also lived in the unit in question, admitted to reporters that he had been “preparing a cup of Easy Mac” at the time and was “completely oblivious, not even invited to the fucking awesome orgy that Mike was apparently having. What the fuck, Mike.”
The lynx, who is legally named Mirage but prefers to be addressed as Kriss, has been living clandestinely in Stouffer college house for several weeks. Kriss escaped from the Bronx Zoo last month seeking refuge from the sexual repression exerted by his/her neighbors, a nuclear family of deeply conservative mountain lions. At the time of press, Kriss’s representative indicated that he/she would be looking into relocating to the San Francisco Zoo, home to a large population of famously bi-curious bobcats.
Thank goodness they were caught. Oh. And fuck Mike, ammaright? The fuck, Mike?