Ask Not What You Can Do For Jesus …

by Jonathan Weinblatt

So many organizations around the world do the work of Jesus. I was wondering, what if Jesus worked for their benefit? Isn’t that what the “died for our sins” talk means? Come back Jesus! There are many more sinners still out there that need your help.

Christ’s Crusade for Campus

Young college students running around doing Jesus’ work? I think not. Many reputable surveys find that college dudes and dudettes don’t exactly walk the path of Christ. This seems like the wrong demographic to find recruiters for Jesus. What if instead it were Jesus who put in his time to do community service on campus? Streets would be cleaner, prostitutes would be cleaner, water would be wine-ier, and more opposing cheeks would be turned. Verily, West Philly would be heaven on Earth.

Jesus for Jews

Jews don’t believe in Jesus. It’s science. How do we solve this problem? Have Jesus do something for them. Faith doesn’t come cheap. God had to split a sea for the ancient Israelites to believe in Him. Jesus tried to one-up God by walking on top of the water. The solution? Jesus makes the Walnut Street Bridge obsolete by teaching all Jews to walk on water. If Jesus could save me 2 minutes on my walk to Rittenhouse Square, I’d believe. Wouldn’t you?

Jesus Christ Bench Player

In today’s NBA, I think Jesus would be less “superstar” and more Shane-Battier-type glue guy that does all the little things to help his team win. Anyone who knows Jesus like I do can’t really picture the guy dunking on opposing players and dropping a Kobe-esque 60 points on helpless foes. Jesus would do all the work and take none of the credit. Jesus would even make the referees better, curing deafness, blindness, and failure to call a fucking foul when Lebron totally got hacked going up for a dunk!

Christ for Bikers

You may not have heard of “Bikers for Christ,” but trust me on this one – it exists. How does Christ for Bikers work, you ask? Think about the most famous biker gangs – Hell’s Angels, The Outlaws, The Pagans. What do they all have in common? No Jesus. I think Jesus would start a new model of biker gang, literally and figuratively paving the way for Heaven’s Angels, The Inlaws, and The Believers. All the hogs, all of the tattoos, all of the fu manchus, and none of the leprosy. What? You didn’t realize that those badass leather jackets covered up hideous lesions of the flesh?

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