Friday Special: Locust Walk Pushers

by Kelsey Colgan

There are a lot of annoying people on Locust Walk every day, as any Penn student can tell you. This week, Kelsey Colgan explains the different types of peddlers, and how to properly deal with their bullshit.

Have you ever had that moment when you’re desperately trying to get to class on time and some idiot with a pamphlet dashes all hope? You may THINK these people are better than drug dealers, but they can be every bit as harmful to your GPA. Here are some ways to ditch these creeps.

The Do-Gooder
Granola-crunching sandal-wearing vegan hippies. They’re usually in some environmentalist or human rights group. Generally, they try to guilt you into caring about poor kids with something like, “Do you want to help people?” Say “Oh, TOTALLY” and start talking about Swift’s A Modest proposal, how much you love babies, and how you can’t eat a whole one.

The Human Wall
The 6’5” 240lb meathead who won’t let you pass unless you join his sports team (*cough* heavyweight crew). He’s probably next to a small person (coxswain) who’s got him on a leash and won’t give him a treat until he fulfills his quota. He may look scary, but a swift kick to the crotch and a ninja-leap over his fallen figure should get you to class pretty quick. Don’t worry about the coxswain, He’ll be screaming a lot, but you can just pick him up and toss him into the bushes.

The Predator
This guy’s a pro. Probably in Wharton, he’s got more grease in his hair than your hygiene-challenged roommate. He goes for the weak: anyone looking lost or walking too slowly. Response? Glare straight ahead and walk fast, preferably run. If he still approaches you, give him a back-hand slap as you sprint by. He’ll leave you alone now for sure.

The Religious Fanatic
You know the dude that stands in front of the button and yells about how we’re all going to hell? Go up to him and say “O-M-G I LOVE FIRE! And Satan is SO HOT, do you think he’d go for me?” You might want to get out of there pretty quick though as he will likely be calling upon God to smite you on the spot. I mean, he can’t prove that God is real, but is it really worth being vaporized by a bolt of lightning?

Sororities and Fraternities
We all know how clogged locust walk can get during rush, so you may need a few ways to fend off the Greeks:
– To the Sorority girl: “wow, your thighs are HUGE!”
– To the Frat guy: “Don’t worry about last night, it happens to a lot of guys”
– Or there’s always the not-so-subtle “I’m in Engineering”

Dance and A Cappella Groups
Who are you kidding? You’ve got no talent, so start singing and dancing and watch them gouge out their eyes and scream until they deafen themselves.

Or just listen to Steppenwolf, and “kill ‘em with my bible, and my razor, and my gun…goddamn, The Pusher…”

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