How to Make the Most of a Superbowl Party When You Care Nothing About Football

Let’s be honest, most people understand football about as much one understands Dick Clark’s New Years Eve Broadcast. Which is not very much. Nevertheless, if you aren’t invited to at least one Super Bowl Party it means you either lost all of your friends while stressing about OCR (OMG WALL$TREET) or you live in Sansom West. While my football knowledge only extends to watching Little Giants and Remember the Titans, I always have a great time at Super Bowl parties (Thank you Budweiser, not just for your commercials). For those of you who care little about football (Yes, I am talking to you closeted Frat Guy who is only tuning in to see the Michael Jackson themed episode of Glee afterwards), there are ways to have fun at these parties even after the nachos are gone and to sometimes even pretend that you know what is going on.

Eat Great Shitty Food- To me, Super Bowl is like Thanksgiving. It is a day where it is socially acceptable to eat as much as pre-surgery Al Rocker used to eat on a typical Tuesday. Nachos, Chicken Wings, Pizza, Bean Dip! There is nothing more enjoyable than those foods despite the fact that your arteries may become more clogged than a toilet in a Mexican restaurant. Whatever, you’ll go to the gym tomorrow. Or next week. Make sure to get thirds only during the game because missing a commercial is definitely more devastating than missing overweight guys in tights fondle each other’s man boobs.

Pretend you’re Interested In the Game- While this may sound like advice from Cosmo, this one is mainly for girls (and Theos boys). There are a few instances when guys won’t pay attention to you. When they are playing Xbox, when they’re playing with each other, when they’re watching porn, when you’re ugly, and when they’re watching football. During the Super Bowl, if you even try to get their attention, they may at best give you their hand, which is really just them reaching for more buffalo wings. If you were a tamagotchi, you’re little electronic soul would definitely die of neglect. To remedy the situation, pretend like you know what is going on. Cheer when you hear others cheer, yell obscenities at the TV, just pretend you care. It can actually be fun and may distract from the fact that your new white shirt is tie-dyed with bean dip stains.

Pay Attention During Commercials- I usually hate commercials. I avoid them just like John Boehner avoids revealing the real pronunciation of his last name. However, there are reasons why companies pay more than the GDP of Bolivia to air their commercials, and some of them are actually funny. Most of them include attractive people that are the dainty, fair-haired embodiment of American perfection (just like at Penn!) drinking beer, with smiles straight out of a cruise line commercial. And sometimes there are even cute puppies. Who doesn’t love puppies? (not talking to you Michael Vick)

Place Bets on the Game- I have noticed that when it comes to betting on the Super Bowl, usually the people who know the least about football always win the big cash prize. And this cash is usually spent on important things like Justin Bieber CDs (xoxo Bieber Fever). When you are asked to bet on what you think the score will be after half time, use the number of times you have been rejected by that artsy guy with the pseudo intellectual glasses (who knows why you are still into him, he has bald patches that look like crop circles made by UFOs) and the number of times you buy egg sandwiches from Buis in a week multiplied by two. You wont be disappointed. That’s a lie, you may be disappointed but who really wants Justin Bieber CDs anyways?

Enjoy the game and GO JETS!!! (oh wait, wrong team, who is playing again?)

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