Point:  My best friend just got killed by a drunk driver.

Thanks for having lunch with me Hank. I could really use the company. Someone to keep me out of my own head for five minutes. I’m still kind of in shock. I mean, I know it happened last week but, seven days really isn’t long enough to get over something like this. God…he was only 19, his birthday was in February for Christ’s sakes. I remember talking to him about turning 20. We used to laugh and kid about being “halfway to 40.” And then he would joke and say “if we make it that long Gus.” God, if only he knew. He was only 19. He was so nervous about getting this internship, some stupid pharmaceutical plant internship. He never even wanted to be a pharmacist either, he just didn’t know what else to do with his life…I just can’t believe Jeff’s actually gone. I know everyone says that, but I- I just still feel like I’m going to wake up one morning and go on Facebook and he’s going to message me something, link me to some stupid song by Yelawolf or talk about some girl he’s too nervous to get with, or I don’t know…God, Jeff.

Counterpoint: This burger’s really fucking good.

Wow! Holy shit Gus, this burger’s amazing! I’m- I’m in shock! Jesus titty fucking Christ it’s like my mouth’s winning the lottery. Not that bullshit scratch and sniff convenience store brand but like the real deal pick six New York lotto lottery. No, Gus, Gus seriously this burger, it’s like, it’s like God. It’s like they put God between two buns and served them to me with a side of hand cut fries. The fries are pretty good too but to be honest the burger, the burger Gus- it’ just fucking out of this world. It’s gotta be at least the second best burger I ever had in my life…nope, nope. I’m a fucking liar. I’m a lying piece of shit Gus. It’s definitely THE BEST burger I’ve had in my life. And this sauce, this sauce is like getting front row tickets to a boxing match between a fresh out of the slammer Mike Tyson and Hitler, and Tyson’s just beating the shit out of Hitler like pound after pound after pound. I almost want to bring it back. I feel guilty. I feel like I don’t deserve a burger this good. Can you believe this Gus? It’s only eight dollars? I feel like a bad person for fucking these guys out of their money. I feel like I’m getting paid to eat this burger. I feel like I’m getting paid, it’s so fucking good Gus.

Point: My best friend just got killed by a drunk driver.

I know I wasn’t there but I keep replaying the accident in my mind like it’s some kind of jammed up projector. He’s waiting at the crosswalk, because Jeff always followed the rules, waiting for his turn, probably impatient. He’s probably wearing his old Ovechkin jersey and he’s probably playing Words With Friends on his cell phone. Or maybe he can’t because he’s coming back from the library and has too many books in his hands. Then the light changes, and he thinks it’s okay to walk. Why? Because society tells you that when the little red hand goes away and the little white man appears, that everything’s safe. So he puts his cell phone in his pocket and he walks across the street. Maybe he saw the drunk bastard speeding, but he thought the guy would stop because people are supposed to stop at red lights. But he doesn’t stop. He swerves a little and BAM he plows right into Jeff, almost like he’s doing it on purpose, like he’s running into a rabid dog and is just trying to put him out of his misery. But it’s not a dog, it’s not a raccoon, it’s not anything but Jeff. It’s my best friend. And this drunk son of a bitch mows him down and I know it’s probably not what happened but I can’t help but picture blood splattering everywhere like one of those lawn spritzer things. I could see the tire marks on Jeff’s jersey. I could see his eyes get wider right before they roll back in his head, right before all the life leaves him with that final breath.

Counterpoint: This burger’s really fucking good.

Man, I really feel bad for you Gus. I feel bad that you have not tried this burger! You are missing out on a crucial life experience. This is akin to getting your first blow job, or paying two bums to fight each other with garbage can lids. I just want to go at it like a rabid dog…but no. I gotta savor it, bit by bit…I’m telling you, you’ve gotta try this Gus. Just a little bite? A teency bite? GUS JUST A SMALL BITE JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST!…To be honest I’ve been going through a rough patch recently. This morning Jackie beat me terribly in Words With Friends, then during lunch I had to talk to this girl I hooked up with for like three minutes before she realized I just wanted to eat alone. But this burger really shined a light onto my previously dismal excuse for a life… What’d you get anyway? Some bullshit chicken sandwich? You got the bullshit chicken sandwich didn’t you? Waiter! Waiter, he’s not gonna have the bullshit chicken sandwich he’s gonna have the burger. Okay? Take that little pad from your front pocket. Shove it up your ass. And give this man a BURGER. What do you mean you already put the chicken order in and it’ll be right out? I could give a fuck- you know what, I’m not gonna make a scene, but hear this “camarero,” since you like being an asshole so much your tip’s sure gonna resemble one- a big, round asshole!

Point:  My best friend just got killed by a drunk driver.

The worst part, probably of the whole thing, was having to go to the funeral, to see his mother, his little sister. Jesus Christ, what they went through. I mean, what do you say to someone like that? There’s nothing to say, anything I say’s just going to seem artificial, because when you’re dealing with the death of someone who meant so much to you, someone you love, everything you’re feeling is beyond words, words just cheapen the experience. So I smiled, because that’s what you do, you smile, I looked her in her eyes and I said something like “I’m so sorry.” I can’t even remember exactly because it was such an unspectacular phrase. Then I got in line at the wake and I looked at Jeff. I looked at his body, just lying there. People say that a dead body looks like it’s just sleeping. It doesn’t. It looks fucking dead. I didn’t really look at his body, more at his face. I stared into his eyes even though they weren’t even open, were never going to be open, again. I stared at his face for what seemed like a while. Then I walked away. I walked away and I smiled, because that’s what you do, you smile, and I walked to the bathroom. And there was this bathtub in the bathroom, God knows why there would be a bathtub in a funeral- and I just collapsed, right in the bathtub and started sobbing, uncontrollably, I started ripping at my clothes, my hair. I started screaming. Ha, some sort of idiot I must be, like all that would bring my best friend back. Then I looked in the mirror, adjusted my tie, and I walked back into the reception.

Counterpoint: This burger’s really fucking good.

Oh! Oh wow! This burger just keeps getting better and better. It’s like I keep discovering new parts of it that I didn’t even know existed before. I think I taste a hint of- Wait? WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE! Is this avocado? There’s no way these clown fuckers put avocado on this burger. This is amazing. They did NOT just put avocado on this burger. It’s avocado. Holy shit. It’s avocado. Wow. This is truly a life changing experience. Words just don’t do it justice. It’s like…It’s like the Pearl Harbor of burgers. There’s just no going back. You can tell they put their heart and soul into this burger Gus. I almost feel bad for eating it. It’s a work of art. It’s like I’m taking bites of the Sistine Chapel. I want to make sure they’re not overcharging me for this. I must’ve read the menu wrong, right? Waiter? Waiter how much is this burger? Eight dollars? Eight American dollars? THAT’S BULLSHIT. YOU LYING FUCK! A BURGER THIS GOOD CANNOT SIMPLY BE EIGHT DOLLARS! THAT’S A LIE! YOU’RE A LIAR! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AND LET ME EAT THIS BURGER ALONE…in peace…with Gus.

Point:  My best friend just got killed by a drunk driver.

But you know, this tragedy, earth-shattering as it is, has taught me one thing. You have to enjoy life while you can. You need to take possession of the here and now, because you never really know when it’s going to end, when it’s your time to go. I don’t take any moment for granted anymore. I appreciate the blades of grass. I appreciate the way my dog gets excited over a red bouncy ball. I even appreciate the shitty rainy days, because I’m alive to realize they’re shitty.  I appreciate my life for all it’s worth, a life that truly is worth living…Say Hank, that burger looks pretty good, are you going to finish it? I mean, do you think I could have a bite?

Counterpoint: This burger’s really fucking good.

Really? Are you nuts man? What’s wrong with you? Your best friend just died. Honestly. Show some respect. How could you think about getting a bite of my burger at a time like this? …God, people.