Dear Westboro Baptist Church Internship Coordinator,
I am writing to formally submit my application to be a member of your esteemed organization. I heard about this position from the University of Pennsylvania’s Career Services Department which promptly referred me to your website “GodHatesFags.com.” Unfortunately I could not readily locate your listing on PennLink, QuakerNet, or LinkedIn. I thought I found one of your recruitment tables in Huntsman, but later realized I stumbled in on an infosession about Goldman Sachs. I apologize for sending such an unsolicited email, but I figured if anyone would appreciate directing something to people who obviously don’t want it, it would be you folks.
Westboro Baptist Church has a diverse organizational umbrella as indicated by their representative websites; GodHatesIslam.com, JewsKilledJesus.com, and PriestsRapeBoys.com are just a few. While they all corner a respective area of the hatred market, I was surprised at the severe lack of GodHatesThoseAssholesWhoTakeForeverToOrderTheirBreadAtSubwayIMeanReallyYouFucking EatThereEveryDayYouShouldKnowWhatBreadYouWantBeforeYouGetInLine.com.
But I know what you’re thinking, why me? Out of all the delusional cult worshippers, loose screwed opium addicts, and people who meant to send their applications to a Baptist church in West Borough County why would you want an infidel of West Philadelphia to join your esteemed organization of gentlemen and scholars? For one, my coursework at Wharton, specifically my core requirements afford me the experience necessary to keep up with the most bloodthirsty hatemongers Westboro Baptist has to offer. Thanks to my Writing Seminar, not only can I warn others of their impending doom, I can list in Nestorian order the reasons why appreciating the affably gay Mitchell and Cameron from “Modern Family” will stamp their tickets straight to hell. I plan to meet them there as my coursework in Business Ethics taught me that, as a Wharton student, if everyone doesn’t hate you, you’re probably doing something wrong. This is a fact Westboro Baptist doesn’t take lightly.
Outside the classroom, I also participate in many extracurricular activities. As my fraternity’s Public Relations Chair I have adapted some of Westboro Baptist’s most effective outreach strategies. For instance GodHatesGDIs.com and BetaAIDS.com are some of the most popular websites on campus, attracting the community’s finest fledgling alcoholics and date rapists. Additionally, nothing makes one want to go to the nearest music festival and wave a sign that says “WHOREnah Montana” more than having to listen to “Party in the USA” during every frat party my freshman year. I still don’t know what “moving my hips like yeah” means. Most importantly, I helped plan events for Three in Four, Casual Walk for Death, and the Wharton Advisory Board.
I also write what some profoundly misguided individuals refer to as columns for the campus journal of salvation, “The Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.” And while most people think the “Punch Bowl,” which has been spewing bigotry since 1899, is a humor magazine, in reality it’s just a vehicle to subconsciously make you vote for Pat Buchanan.
Perhaps, most importantly, my demanding Wharton workload and extracurricular pursuits have trained me to pay meticulous attention to detail and manage my time effectively. This skill should come in handy, as if selected to be a member of your church, I will have to juggle between picketing a soldier’s funeral at 3:30, protesting the Academy Awards at 7:45, and stopping for a late night Denny’s Munch-a-thon at 12:15.
Although I am a practicing Jew, I still think I could be an effective member of your organization as I really thought the last couple of Adam Sandler movies could’ve been better, and the bagels I’ve been buying from FroGro lately have been pretty stale. I would also help revolutionize your strategy, as your protests simply are no longer effective. Jews feed off other people’s ignorance like it’s covered in cream cheese. If there weren’t delusional zealots like you preaching falsehoods, Jews would cease to be funny and thus lose all power. If you want to really aggravate the heathen sons of Abraham, a better strategy would be to start a “Don’t Wear a Jacket Even After Your Mother Warned You a Thousand Times” campaign.
To fully embrace your company’s policy of full disclosure. I also must tell you I have a number of homosexual acquaintances. While this would usually be a problem, my gay friends agreed to help you in the fashion and design department. Chester thought you would all look much better wearing assless chaps and Indian Feathers while Marco thought your “Bloody Abortion” sign could use more glitter on the deformed fetus. Connor even booked Westboro Baptist to dance on a float during the Pride Parade.
The Westboro Baptist Church is a place where everyone can be hated equally. You guys are so fucked up even the KKK thinks you’re going too far. You unite the country in simultaneous disgust, and are one step below a guy rubbing one out on the Bill of Rights in ways that people abuse the First Amendment. Thank you for teaching me that God hates Gays, Jews, Catholics, Americans, and most of all the Westboro Baptist Church.
Please feel free to contact me if you require further information or would like to schedule an interview. I thank you for your consideration, and look forward to speaking with you soon.